May 31, 2002

Mystery Science Diary 3000!

I'm so damn The current mood of augustdreams at

Once again, for your reading pleasure, AugustDreams presents:

Night of the Living Genitals


When SPAM gets out of Hand

Get it? Out of hand??? Bwa-hahaha. I kill me.


PEARL: Great. Just great. Stupid ape!

BOBO: But it was an accident...

BRAIN GUY: Oh, no. Not again. Was it on the good rug?

PEARL: Not that kind of an accident. He got hair in the movie projector. Now I'm going to have to send Nelson and his two souped up can-openers some more of my junk email.

BRAIN GUY: Shall I *swallows grimly* once again have the honor of narrating?

PEARL: Do I sense sarcasm from you, brain boy!?

BRAIN GUY: No, no!


[Satellite of Love]

MIKE is naked except for a strategically placed leaf and SERVO's wearing BVD's. CROW is wearing a suit and tie.

MIKE: I knew this was a bad idea.


SERVO: *mumbling* Speaking of bad ideas...

MIKE: What is it, Pearl?

PEARL: I've got some bad news, y- *Pearl looks surprised and disgusted* Wait a minute. Why aren't you wearing any clothes?

MIKE: The 'bots wanted to play strip poker, only we didn't have any poker chips. But Servo found an old 'Candyland' game so we improvised.

PEARL: I'm sorry I asked. Anyhow, Bobo screwed everything up again, so I'm sending you some of my junk mail in lieu of today's movie.


::Lights flash::

MIKE: We've got junk mail!!!


How would you like to SUPERSIZE your penis?

SERVO: Does that come with fries?

MIKE: Did you hide all the credit cards like I told you?

SERVO: Sure did.

CROW: Geez. Buy one measly little case of Phonemones and nobody lets you live it down.

Increase your SIZE and POTENCY immediately! Have a HEALTHY penis, guaranteed!

CROW: Because a healthy penis is a happy penis!

MIKE: That was uncalled for, Crow.

In the past year I have researched and discovered amazing new techniques that will quickly and safely enlarge the size of your penis...

MIKE: Hmmm, let's see. Thinking of Victoria's Secret? Yes. Thinking about my mom? No. Thinking of Llamas? Yes. Watching 'Facts of Life' reruns? Yes...

the way nature intended!

SERVO: What does any of this have to do with nature? The whole point of this crap is to mess with what nature gave you!

MIKE: Let it go, Servo. Some battles just aren't worth fighting.

In as little as two weeks: Gorgeous, sexy women will come to you just for the kidding!

CROW: But *sniff* what about my mind?

MIKE: I feel

The penis is a muscle, and just like every other muscle in your body it can grow.

CROW: Which is why Mike considers reading the latest issue of "Big'uns" a cardiovascular workout!

MIKE: Stop that.

Email Testimonial:

CROW: Dear God...

I wasn't too sure this would work for me since I'm 59 years young.

MIKE: And since I had that little accident with the weed whacker...

Now, not only am I a believer, but so is the Mrs.

SERVO: She believes he's an idiot who falls for email scams!

It's so much easier for me to maintain an erection! I feel like a kid again and no longer have to use those expensive viagra pills.

CROW: They weren't only expensive, sometimes I'd get mixed up and take an extra laxative instead...

Several weeks from today, you'll be showing off your new toy!

MIKE: I think that's illegal in most states.

Your lucky woman will be begging you to stop.

CROW: For Godssake, Elmer, put that thing away!

Be prepared, you will end up having more sexual offers that you can possibly handle!

SERVO: Uh, no. I don't want to write an "email testimonial". Just leave me alone!

Yes, you'll definitely experience increased sensitivity. There was a time I was once afraid of taking showers at the gym or even wearing tight clothing.

CROW: I didn't want my cousin Hank to realize just how attractive I found him...

Very quickly will you be walking tall and proud and have "Show off at nudist colony" on your things-I-want-to-do list.

MIKE: Let's see, pick up milk and eggs, Fix leaky faucet, Show penis to strangers...

Here are some things I promise you'll discover with my system:

You'll achieve rock hard erections, you'll feel stiff enough to chip diamonds.


You'll last as long as you want and have your own sexual marathon!

SERVO: Which is pretty much all this guy does, anyway. Until the hand lotion runs out and he starts to chafe...

MIKE: Servo! I'm surprised at you.

Your thrusting techniques that will set you apart form 99% of the other men on the planet!

MIKE: That damn 1% guy, he's the same one whose cheap teeth-whitening formula really works!

CROW: But not those guys from Jupiter, with their superior thrusting ability, damn them!

You'll learn to have such exquisite control over your orgasm that you can literally time it and plan it.

SERVO: Okay, Great-Aunt Marion's coming for lunch at 11, but two-thirty should be okay.

Finding time to use my system is simple! There are some techniques that you can do in your car, while working, or even when you're sitting in your favorite chair!

ALL: Eeeeeeeew!

I'm so confident you'll experience results, I guarantee it.

MIKE: However, I cannot be held liable for loss of your job, or damage to your car or favorite chair...

Immediately after placing your order you will receive your very own login and password to my system.

SERVO: ...and I'll talk dirty to you for $3.99 a minute.

Act now and I promise you a sex life you may have never even dreamed possible.

ALL: To reeeaaach the unreachable dreeeeaaam the imposible DREEEEEAAAAMMMMM!!!


SERVO: I feel the need to shower.

MIKE: Lysol's under the sink.

CROW: You wanna play another round of Candyland, Mike?

MIKE: Nah, I'm just gonna go do some my favorite chair.



Okay. Bedtime for Bonzo. I'm still dealing with the antibiotics giving me trouble and now I've got the damn flu on top of it. So, if you hear a long, loud scream of frustration from the direction of Florida, don't panic. It's just me. ;) Have a great night!

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