May 13, 2002

The Elder God Always Rings Twice

I'm so damn The current mood of augustdreams at

Aph took a shower with me when I got home from work. Naturally, we played "Git that Aph" and "Wheeere's Aphrodite?!" afterwards. You see, for reasons I don't entirely understand, it is necessary to play both of these games before I dry her off. It would be an unforgivable faux pas on my part to skip them.

I'm off to bed but I wrote a little something to give you a laugh. I hope it brightens your evening. I now present, for your reading pleasure:





MIKE NELSON is eating a corndog and playing Solitaire.

TOM SERVO: [Running into the room at full speed] Aaaaahhhhhh! Help! Mike, help!

CROW T. ROBOT: [Charging in right behind TOM] Run! Run for your synthetic lives!

MIKE: Uh, guys?

TOM: Oh, you've got to help us, Mike! It's terrible! We accidentally...

CROW: Shut up, you fool!

MIKE: Crow?

TOM: We've got to tell him! His life's in danger, too!

MIKE: Okay, what's going on?

CROW: Nothing, nothing!, Mike. Do we have any Grenade launchers? Or perhaps a Flame Thrower? I'm taking inventory, see, and...

MIKE: Crow! What's going on!?

TOM: We didn't mean to do it, we thought it was a recipe for Calamari! And WE'RE ALL DOOMED TO DIE A MESSY AND PROBABLY PAINFUL DEATH!

CROW: I can't die! I'm too young to die! I haven't even seen "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo" yet!

MIKE: Why don't you guys just calm down and tell me what's going on?

GYPSY: Okay. How come there's some sort of oversized Cephalopod clinging to the outside of the Satellite of Love?


MIKE: Okay, you two. What's going on here?

TOM: We...well, we wanted to get you something for Mother's day, because...well...

CROW: We wanted to show our appreciation for all that you do for us.

MIKE: I'm either genuniely touched or very, very disturbed.

TOM: So we were going to prepare you a Seafood feast.

MIKE: But I'm allergic to Seafood.

CROW: Yeah, well...we sort of figured...

TOM: If you didn't want it...

MIKE: Okay, so you were going to cook some Seafood.

TOM: Crow found a recipe for Squid on the Internet, but it was in another language.

CROW: We think it was esperanto. You know, that language we were all supposed to be speaking to each other while we flew our cars to work in the year 2000?

MIKE: Go on.

CROW: Well, it...heh. heh. It turns out it wasn't Esperanto.


PEARL: Nelson! What's going on over there?

MIKE: Hi, Pearl. The 'bots were just telling me about their Seafood recipe.

PEARL: Well the cooking lesson's over. It's time for another email.

CROW: [Whispering frantically] Mike! There's a giant eyeball looking in the window!

TOM: But we're nowhere near Trollenberg!

MIKE: I don't think anyone's going to get that reference, Servo. It's a bit obscure.

PEARL: I hope you weren't planning to finish that corndog, Nelson, because I've got an email here that'll make you lose your appetite. I call it "You, too, can be, I mean have a... big dick!"


MIKE stands up, a card falls out of his sleeve.

TOM: You were cheating?!

CROW: At Solitaire?!




Well, now you can have one!

MIKE: I don't believe it! Santa finally got the letter I wrote in the seventh grade!

CROW: You asked Santa for a bigger penis?

MIKE: I had gym with Billy Johnson. He was shaving at eight years old! His pituitary glad was the size of a Watermelon!

With our system, there are:

NO Hanging Painful Weights

MIKE: Oooh, that's gotta hurt.

NO Pumps

TOM: I don't see how pumps would help anyhow. They're hard to walk in, and they make my ankles look fat.


TOM: What?

Please go to our website for the information you need to enlarge your penis 1-4 inches,

MIKE: Sure, but what would I want with a 16 incher?

TOM: Mike! I'm surprised at you.

MIKE: Sorry about that.

Conquer serious erectile difficulties, and permanent ejaculations.

CROW: "Permanent ejaculations"?

TOM: Captain's Log. Stardate 4-20-76 Day seven. Still no sign of ejaculation stopping. Beginning to feel light-headed.

100% Doctor Approved 100% Safe And Natural

CROW: That's what they said about those Phonemones.

MIKE: That reminds me, Crow. Are you still getting that ringing in your ears?

CROW: No, thanks. I don't really feel like singing.

We have helped 1000's of men to conquer serious erectile dysfunction issues.

TOM: As opposed to light-hearted erectile dysfunction issues.

These painful problems include small penis size


and poor self-image, as well as lack of potency and premature ejaculation.

CROW: Beats permanent ejaculation.

Now You Can Forget Forever the Pain of Having a Large, Manly Penis!

MIKE: It's a pain like no other.

CROW: How would you know?

TOM: I've told him what it's like.

Imagine for a moment how you will feel:

CROW: You'll feel like a big pri-

MIKE: Crow!

MIKE: Crow!

You'll radiate confidence and success whenever you enter the showers in a locker room, and other men will look at you with real envy.

MIKE: The YMCA made me stop radiating in the showers. They claimed it was unsanitary.

TOM: What? They never saw Waterworld?

But the best part is when you reveal yourself in all your glory to the woman in your life. When she sees how massive and manly, how truly long and hard you are, she will surrender and give you everything you have always wanted.

MIKE: ...and I want a pony, and Super Bowl tickets, and my very own Reclining chair... with built-in freezer.

So if 6 inches is all you want to be or for some reason you want to be even smaller than this, please don't read any further.

CROW: See ya later, Mike.

You really can't afford NOT to use our product if you care about your sex life TODAY!

MIKE: Damn. I cared about my sex life last Thursday. Isn't that always the way?

[Screen flickers...then goes blank]



TOM: I can't believe the email fizzled out like that. I thought we were in for a long, hard time with that one.

MIKE: Yeah, it really ended prematurely.

TOM: I'm sure it's happened to every email at least once.

CROW: Has that ever happened before? I wonder why it stopped?

TOM: Maybe Pearl had a change of heart...

PEARL: WRONG, bolts for brains. I've got some good news, Nelson. My movies arrived today from Columbia House.



Have a great night!

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