May 09, 2002


I'm so damn The current mood of augustdreams at

I'm not sure if I've told you that I'm a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000. (MST3K for those of us who hold Mike and the 'bots close to our hearts!)

Back during my single-digit years, teachers would always give me bad marks in the "uses time wisely" category. What the fuck is that, anyway? How does a kid use their time "wisely"? Go get their cholesterol chicked? Start a 401K plan? If some sickeningly goody-goody kid out there actually used their time to get ahead in their math book or sit in silent contemplation of the wonders of Phonics... geez, I sure don't want to meet the adult they grew up to be!

But I digress. As usual. As proof that I still don't use my time wisely, I present for your enjoyment my latest writing project. I took some of my junk mail and turn it into my very own, homegrown episode of MST3K!

So, without further adieu, (and with no more waiting, either!) I present, for your reading pleasure...





[Satellite of Love]

MIKE: Hi, I'm Mike Nelson.

CROW: I'm Crow T. Robot.

TOM: And I'm Tom Servo!

MIKE: Okay, I think that went well. We'll practice introducing ourselves again tomorrow.

GYPSY: Hey! Did you guys hear the great news???

TOM: Yeah! Felicity's not getting renewed next season!

GYPSY: No, Pearl's supply of bad movies was accidentally melted! She's had to send for more and they won't arrive for six to ten business days!


[Cut to Astrobus]

PEARL: Nelson! Listen up!

MIKE: Hiya, Pearl. So very sorry to hear about the [giggle] accident with your movies!

CROW: Yeah, sorry like a Fox!

TOM: That doesn't make any sense.

PEARL: Hmmm. I was going to let you guys have a day off from torture. But now I think I'll send you a little something to wipe those smiles off your faces.

CROW: Carrot Top?

TOM: 'Facts of Life' reruns?

PEARL: No. I'm sending you...some SPAM!


TOM: Wait. I like Spam.

MIKE: I think she means email SPAM.


BOBO: I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me...please...

PEARL: Shut up, hairball! If you hadn't been burning that stupid Banana scented aromatherapy candle I wouldn't have had to sell my soul to Columbia House to get some new bad movies!

CROW: {whispering} She sold her soul to Columbia House? Man, Satan's gonna be pissed.

PEARL: I'm projecting the SPAM onto your movie screen and I've arranged to have brain guy narrate.

OBSERVER: {mumbling} Don't see why I should have to suffer for his simian idiocy...

PEARL: Shut up! Roll the movie...I mean...the email.


MIKE: We've got mail!!!




CROW: I can't stand it. Mike, cover my eyes!

Free Psychic Readings can be yours!

TOM and CROW: Wow!

MIKE: Don't get too excited, guys. These so-called psychics are usually just phonies.

TOM: I knew you were going to say that!

72 hours of unlimited psychic readings for only $2.95!

TOM: How can it be both 72 hours and unlimited?

CROW: Wait. Didn't they just say it was free?

Psychic Realm offers each member an individual experience.Learn how to make your own love potions.

MIKE: [Flexing his arms in a body builder pose] I've got a little love potion of my own.

CROW: Roofies don't count, Mike.

and understand more about numerology.

TOM: Numerology? Isn't that the religion John Travolta practices?

CROW: That's Scientology.

You'll get your daily horoscope every day for a low price.

TOM: Gee, imagine if, somehow, every morning, you could get horoscopes on your doorstep. Say, included in a daily log of some sort...

MIKE: Nah, too crazy. It'd never catch on.

You've tried all those phony psychics...

CROW: Yeah. Like when Pearl said she saw my impending doom in her crystal ball.

MIKE: I told you that was just her old fishbowl.

CROW: That's probably why she kept saying she saw something fishy.

Now try US, we're the real thing.

TOM: The real thing, baby, uh-huh!

MIKE: What have I told you guys about repeating those old commercials?

CROW: That it gives you indigestion?

TOM: Indigestion? That's easily cured! Plop. Plop. Fizz. Fizz. Oh, what a relief...

[Cut to the Astrobus]

PEARL: That email wasn't nearly long enough!

BOBO: I'm sorry, lawgiver! Forgive me! [Bobo grovels at Pearl's feet]

PEARL: Oh, stop that. You're getting hair all over my shoes!

OBSERVER: I believe there's another email in our inbox.

PEARL: Is it long and pointless?


PEARL: Is it repetitive and utterly dull?

OBSERVER: Most certainly.

PEARL: Excellent. Oh, Neeelson!

[Satellite of Love]

MIKE: I said stop it, Servo! Stoppit!

TOM: If it says Libby, Libby, Libby on the label, label, label...


TOM and CROW: Waaaaaauuugh!

MIKE: Oh. Hi, Pearl. What is it?

PEARL: I don't think you were quite tormented enough by that last bit of SPAM. So, I'm sending you over something even better. It's a little something I like to call "YOU CAN ATTRACT SEXY MEN OR WOMEN INSTANTLY"

CROW: Alright! We're gonna learn how to pick up chicks!

TOM: But my arms don't function very well...I have to have Mike pick up my toothbrush!


MIKE: We've got mail!




Our product is sexually stimulating and guaranteed to Increase Your Sex Appeal or Your Money Back!

MIKE: Old Spice?

CROW: Mike's Roofies?

MIKE: Cut that out, Crow!

Attract desirable men! Desirable Women!

CROW: Desirable farm animals!

TOM: Desirable Robots!

This is not hype or wishful thinking. It's a fragrance made from pheremones. It's a medical and biological fact.

TOM: Wow! Medical and biological.

Dateline NBC, 20/20, Hard Copy, USA Today and Playboy have all reported the very Real Results.

MIKE: I know that when I want serious reporting I go straight to the big guys. NBC, 20/20, Playboy, Hustler, to a lesser extent Penthouse...

Just one bottle of this AMAZING product will change your life. I know because it changed mine!

CROW: Mine, too! Wait. Are we talking about pheremones or Whiskey?

Give Yourself an Advantage Over Other Men!

TOM: Like an extra toe?

CROW: Or some of Mike's roofies?

MIKE: You've been warned, Crow.

I have to admit it, I am not a gorgeous man.


I am smart, funny,

TOM: Modest...

and have a great personality

CROW: Ooh. A great personality. [Snickers] We all know that's the secret code for ugly as sin!

MIKE: But my grandma always told me I had a

TOM: Yeeees?

MIME: Singing voice! She always said I had a great singing voice.

but the beautiful women I wanted to date wouldn't give me half a chance. I never understood why.

MIKE: Maybe it was my third arm...

Nice clothes, a good job, and staying in shape didn't amount to much. The women that would date me were not the kind of women I wanted to date.

MIKE: They kept asking when they were going go get paid!

And then science gave me an answer!

CROW: I shall create a woman! Using these body parts that I've stolen from graves and harnessing the power of electricity...

It turns out that a large part of attractiveness is a chemical we all release called pheromones.

TOM: Here and I thought it was bad manners to release bodily chemicals on a date...

MIKE: My dates never liked it.

These human sex hormones occur naturally on our skin, and the smell stimulates the opposite sex!

CROW: So if they occur naturally, tell me again why is it that we'd want to pay you for them?

I checked into it more, and discovered that science has managed to synthesize these pheromones and make them available as a cologne.

MIKE: Old Spice!!!

I was a little hesitant, but I certainly couldn't do any worse.

TOM: And it's that bad attitude that keeps you home alone on Saturday nights, mister!

The results were unbelievable! Rather than awkwardly approaching beautiful women...

MIKE: I awkwardly approached beautiful Sheep!

only to be shot down again and again,

TOM: Women shot him? Geez buddy, no means no!

women were coming to me!

MIKE: They had to, I was blocking the door tothe ladies bathroom.

They just couldn't get enough. The best part is, they couldn't help it. Their own brain chemistry drew them to my pheremone-enhanced aroma.

CROW: All my eeee-vil plans have come to fruition! Women are helpless against my aroma!

Now YOU can be more popular with women than you ever thought possible! When you use Pheromones, even in small amounts, you will see why men everywhere are reporting astounding results!

TOM: I was astounded!

CROW: Eh. I was merely surprised.

Even if you're a former loser like me, if you go out armed with the power of pheromones,

MIKE: And a stun gun...

you will soon experience the joy of having gorgeous, sexy women approach you, make eye contact,

MIKE: And tell you to get the hell out of the way so they can use the restroom...

smile and initiate conversations!

CROW: Excuse me, it seems my own brain chemistry has drawn me to your pheremone-enhanced aroma.

MIKE: No, wait. It was just indigestion. Sorry about that.

Girls who seemed unapproachable before, will soon be talking and joking and laughing with you.

TOM: They're laughing at you Sparky, not with you.

Women here at work are entire more receptive

MIKE: "Entire more receptive"?

CROW: Hooked on Phonics didn't work for him.

and flirtatious now, but they don't believe it has anything to do with this product.

TOM: They just think it's because I finally had that growth removed.

You shouldn't expect that lovesick women will begin chasing you down the street.

MIKE: But if they do...hey, Bonus!

Women will, however, be friendlier, they will smile at you more often, and it will be a lot easier to get dates with them. Thousands of customers and time tested results have attested to the effectiveness of this product.

CROW: The time-tested results were especially satisfied with their new love lives.

Order today and get more dates tomorrow!

TOM: Wow! It must come really fast...

CROW: And if you come fast, please try our new line of pheremone-enhanced Viagara...

MIKE: Crow!

Thousands of customers and time tested results have attested to the effectiveness of this product.

TOM: Just so you know, in case you've forgotten that since we said it THREE LINES AGO!

MIKE: Easy, Tom. The email can't be too much longer.

CROW: And if you'd like to be longer...

MIKE: These crude remarks of yours simply cannot continue, Crow.

CROW: I don't know, Mike. You'd be surprised.

If you don't get five-times as many dates as you did before, send it back for a FULL REFUND - NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

You must be over 18 to purchase our product.

MIKE: How old are you guys, anyway?

TOM: I think I left my ID in my other chasis.

WARNING: Beware Of Counterfeits and Impostor Products!

TOM: Yeah, those Impostor Products can get pretty nasty when they're cornered.

Our Pheromone-enhanced cologne contains FOUR-TIMES the active ingredient found in any other Genuine Human Pheromone Enhanced Product.

MIKE: Goes without saying.

Many impostor pheromone products actually contain no pheromones at all and were probably mixed up in someone's kitchen sink!


TOM: Oh, I'm so disillusioned!


MIKE: That was horrible.

TOM: I feel so...dirty.

MIKE: If only we'd taken advantage of the unlimited 72 hours of free psychic readings for $2.95. We could have known how bad that last email was going to be!

CROW: *ahem*

MIKE: What?

CROW: Notice anything different about me?

TOM: No, I...wait. I...I feel strangely drawn to you.

MIKE: Me, too. It's as if I'm helpless against my own brain chemistry. It''s...

TOM: It's starting to give me a headache.

MIKE: {sniffing} Yeah, I'm starting to feel light-headed. What have you got on, Crow?

CROW: Ohh, just a little something called Phonemones.

MIKE: Phonemones?

CROW: Yeah! only cost half as much as that stuff we saw the email about, but it...

MIKE: Just a minute, Crow. Where did you get that stuff?

CROW: From ebay! On sale for $3.99!

MIKE: Three-ninety...Crow, let me see the package.

CROW: Whoa! Settle down, Cowboy! At least buy me dinner first. Sheesh.

MIKE: I mean the package that your Phonemone came in!

CROW: Oh. Hang on, I think Gypsy was looking at it.

GYPSY: Hey, guys. Notice anything different about me?

[Cut to Astrobus]

PEARL: How did you like that last little...{sniff} Good Lord, Mike! Didn't I tell you people to shower more than once a week??

MIKE: It's Crow...he bought some cheap, rip-off brand of...

CROW: Here, I found it!

MIKE: Crow! It says right here on the box that this was mixed in someone's kitchen sink!


BOBO: Mmmmm, what is that enticing smell? I...I long to laugh, to flirt. I...I feel entire more receptive...

OBSERVER: Pearl! The ape is attempting to mount my leg...

PEARL: Bobo! Bad monkey! Nelson! Do something about that stench!

MIKE: Okay, Crow. Into the shower with you.

CROW: Geez, you're pushy. It's only our first date. I hope I don't have to shoot you down...

TOM: So, uh...Gypsy. Got any plans for tonight?


Have a wonderful night!

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