November 01, 2004

The Spider Speaks

I'm so damn The current mood of augustdreams at

Dear Giant Spider,

How do I tell if a girl likes me?

Covered in Thick, Green Fur in Boston

Dear Green Furry One,

If she likes you, she will most likely want to visit your place of dwelling. You will know it is romance when she does not immediately set about trying to envenomate you.

I would advise you to have a few of her favorite foods on hand with which to both distract and woo your lady love. If you do not provide said sustenance, she may well attempt to devour you during an otherwise romantic moment. Trust me on this.

If all goes well, maybe there shall be wedding bells and egg sacs in your future!

The Giant Spider

Dear Giant Spider,

There's a girl I like in my office, but I'm afraid to ask her out because I don't want to date anyone at work.

How would you, as a Giant Spider, approach this issue? Would a Giant Spider ask her out? Or sublimate his feelings and just go and find a nice yummy Giant Fly to catch?

-Doc Sarvis

Dear Doc,

I hear you. I was once very attracted to one of my co-stars in The Horror of Spider Island but was afraid to move our relationship forward because it is often said that workplace romance is difficult. I have always regretted not persuing her when I had the chance. She had an abdomen like a Goddess and eight of the best legs to ever walk across a soundstage. She was also witty and charming.

However, I have since heard that she mated with my cousin Phil (Third spider from the left in the big gas station attack scene in 8 Legged Freaks) and devoured him immediately afterwards.

I suggest you go and catch that yummy fly and while you're enjoying it's warm, delicious innards, think about your feelings towards this girl. The possibility of true love is worth the risk of being messily devoured.

The Giant Spider

Dear Giant Spider:

I am unhappy with the 2 candidates that are running for the presidency. Could you eat them both for me. While your at it will you also eat Paris Hilton? I just dont like her.

Sincerely yours,
The disinterested Party candidate for the 2004 Presidential elections

Dear Disinterested,

I too find myself weary of voting the lesser of two evils each election year. Perhaps when both candidates are merely dessicated husks hanging from my web, both parties will begin to question what has happened to their moral fiber. Speaking of fiber... I hear eating Republicans make you regular. I shall let you know. I would be glad to eat Paris Hilton. Her television show annoys me. There are insect legs hanging from my web with more brain cells.

Perhaps one day we shall have an election where we cast our votes for a candidate who truly inspires us, rather than simply considering our vote a vote against whichever one we most wish to slap upside the head.

The Giant Spider

Mr. Giant Spider,

Do you think that it's "olden days" for a guy to ask you for your phone number at the club and then never bother to call? Why do they ask for your number if they're not going to call? It's just stupid to me. If I gave you his name and where he lives (of course this is all supposed things since most guys at the club lie to you anyway) will you wrap him tightly in your silky web cocoon, liquidate his insides and drink them as if it was 120 degrees out, you just finished a 5 mile web, and he was a Bladder Buster Iced Refreshment from your Local 7-11?

You are making me hungry! Sadly, I do not know why my human brethren ask for phone numbers and then do not call. Perhaps they get nervous and worry that they'll say the wrong thing, or fail to impress you. It should occur to them that not calling at all makes a much worse impression than anything they could say. If I were to ask for your number, I would call you the very next day. (I don't suppose you like arachnids? I was in a movie once... and I do clean up nice.)

As a gesture of my affection, I shall hunt down this man and ask him why he fails to utilize his telephone. While he is trying to think up an answer, or perhaps simply screaming in terror, I shall wrap him up like a two-legged fly and drink his insides with some red wine. (For the record: White wine with flies. Red wine with humans.)

Now he did call me like 15 minutes after we left the club and asked me if I wanted to go to his place...come on. Just because he bought me a long island iced tea and I danced with him (in a provocative manner mind you but that's the only way I know how to dance Mr. Giant Spider) doesn't mean I should do it with him does it?

Certainly not! Mating should only occur when you feel loved and respected. You do not owe it to anyone. You should be able to dance as provocatively as you wish and consume beverages without fear of your dance partner expecting to share a place of dwelling that very evening.

Damn he was cute!!!!

Perhaps he will call. If not, remember that there are other flies in the sky. And if you should ever wish to dance with an eight-legged partner I am available.

Thanks Mr. Giant Spider. I needed to vent.

You are entirely welcome.

The Giant Spider

Dear Giant Spider,

I was recently dating this girl and she asked me to come back to her lair. Now I am a decent guy and I don't like...ya know...boinking on the first date. But more than that, I was a little worried she had a lair. Should I be worried about this lair? Or is that what the modern women are calling it? I mean, its not like she wants to drink my blood...hehe...right? RIGHT?!!?


Dear Kippy

You are wise to be worried. Remember my cousin Phil - not only did his date devour him, she laid her egg sacs in his decaying remains.

On the other leg, there is something very sexy about a woman with a lair. Perhaps she has intoxicating beverages and many places for mating in this lair. On still another leg, this lair she speaks of may consist of her daytime resting place and the sad remains of her previous conquests.

My advice to you is to playfully toss holy water on this girl. If she merely laughs and tosses water back at you, you are a lucky, lucky man. If, however, she begins to shriek and smoke, you had better run. I wish you luck.

The Giant Spider

The Giant Spider works cheap, and keeps the moths out of my kitchen. Therefore, please feel free to ask his advice anytime. Have a good first of November and thank you for reading.

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