October 27, 2002

Plan Nine - Part II

I'm so damn

Mike and the 'bots are still being tormented by Plan 9 from Outer Space Let's join them, shall we?

[OUTSIDE THE TRENT HOUSE, PAULA AND JEFF TRENT ARE SITTING ON THE PATIO]

PAULA: That's the fifth siren in the last hour.

JEFF: Oh, something's happened down at the cemetery. A lot of police cars and lights. I stopped but I didn't see anything. Oh well, whatever it is, the morning paper will carry the whole story.

PAULA: You seem to still be high up there somewhere.

JEFF: Maybe I am.

CROW: It always takes me a while come down after eating one of Edith's "special" Brownies.

PAULA: I don't think I've ever seen you in this mood before.

JEFF: I guess it's because I've never been in this mood before.

PAULA: Something about your flight?

JEFF: Yeah.

PAULA: What happened?

JEFF: I saw a flying saucer.

PAULA: A saucer? You mean the kind that come from up there?

CROW: No, Paula. The kind that come from down here! Geez, what a moron!

JEFF: Yeah, or its counterpart. I was shaped like a huge cigar.

TOM: Quick! Somebody get Monica Lewinsky!

JEFF: Dan saw it too. When it passed over, the whole compartment lighted up with a blinding glare. Then there was a tremendous wind that practically knocked us off our course.

TOM: It was Dan. He was lighting farts again.

PAULA: Well did you report it?

JEFF: Yeah, radioed in immediately and they said we'll keep it quiet until you land. Then as soon as we landed, big army brass grabbed us and made us swear to secrecy about the whole thing. Oh, it burns me up. These things have been seen for years. They're here, it's a fact. And the public oughta know about it.

MIKE: Paula, when those big army guys grabbed me, I felt...strange. Strangely turned on.

CROW: Way to go, Mike! Now you're sounding like me!

MIKE: I feel so dirty.

PAULA: There must be something more you can do about it.

JEFF: Oh, but what's the point of making a fuss.

MIKE: You won't get far with that attitude, Mister!

JEFF: Last night I saw a flying object that couldn't possibly have been from this planet. But I can't say a word. I'm muzzled by army brass! I can't even admit I saw the thing!

TOM: Uh...you just did, Sparky.

[BACK TO GRAVEYARD, CLAY IS ATTACKED BY GHOUL MAN AND VAMPIRA, HE FIRES A FEW SHOTS BUT THEY OVERPOWER HIM]

[BACK TO CRIME SCENE]

LT. HARPER: Sounds like Clay's in trouble.

MIKE: Lt. Harper. Master of understatement.

PATROLMAN LARRY: Bet that apparition we saw had something to do with it.

LT. HARPER: Come on!

[THEY RUN OFF-SCREEN AND EVENTUALLY FIND CLAY. LARRY CHECKS HIS PULSE]

LT. HARPER: Is he dead?

TOM [singing]: He's not only nearly dead, he's really most sincerely dead!

MIKE: That was just disturbing.

PATROLMAN LARRY: Yeah. He's messed up as bad as those two back there. S'pose that saucer or whatever it was had something to do with this?

CROW: Let's hope so, or this movie doesn't make any sense at all!

LT. HARPER: Your guess is as good as mine, Larry. But one thing's sure. Inspector Clay is dead...murdered...and somebody's responsible!

MIKE: Lt. Harper. Master of the obvious.

LARRY: You're in charge now, Lieutenant.

MIKE: Should I start kissing your ass now, or would you rather wait until later?

LT. HARPER: Yeah, guess I am. Kelton?

KELTON: Yes Sir?

TOM: Hold me.

LT. HARPER: Get back up to the car and get on the radio. Tell the coroner he's gotta make another trip out here.

KELTON: Well, how 'bout the lab boys?

LT. HARPER: Who do you think we left back at the car, boy scouts? Come on, Larry.

[CLAY'S FUNERAL]

REV. LYNN LEMON: Greater love hath no man, than to lay down his life for another. It is always difficult to have last words over the grave of a friend. And Inspector Daniel Clay was a friend. A dear friend to me and to all of us. The bell has rung upon his great career. Now we lay him to rest. A rest well deserved, but so premature.

CROW: Much like his ejaculations were, in life...

MIKE: Crow!

CROW: Sorry, I'll behave.

[SEQUENCE IN WHICH UFOs FLY OVER HOLLYWOOD, AND PEOPLE GET SCARED. THEN WE GO TO WASHINGTON, WHERE COL. EDWARDS LOOKS THROUGH HIS BINOCULARS AS STOCK FOOTAGE FROM WWII SHOWS MEN FIRING LARGE ROCKETS THAT WHEN FIRED AT THE UFOs SEEM TO BE NO MORE THAN FIRECRACKERS.]

CRISWELL: People turning south from the freeway were startled when they saw three flying saucers high over Hollywood Boulevard. A woman, startled by the sight in the sky, telephones the police. There comes a time in each man's life, when he can't even believe his own eyes. Saucers seen over Hollywood! Flying saucers seen over Washington D.C.!

TOM: Hey, they're watching Independence Day! We could be watching that, instead of this. Now I'm depressed.

CROW: Why don't you turn your house into a Tomb? The old man thought that was a good cure for depression.

COL. EDWARDS: I gave the signal to fire. Then as swiftly as they had come, they were gone. Even to the piercing eye of radar and the speeding jet fighters.

ARMY GUY: Quite a sight, wasn't it Sir?

EDWARDS: A sight I'd rather not be seeing.

ARMY GUY: Are you worried about them, Sir?

CROW: You commie bastard, Sir!

EDWARDS: Well, they must have a reason for their visits.

TOM: Of course they do! Anal probes and Cattle mutilation! Don't these people watch CNN???

ARMY GUY: Visits? Well that would indicate visitors! Are big guns the usual way of welcoming visitors?

TOM: It's the traditional greeting in L.A.

EDWARDS: We haven't always fired at them.

ARMY GUY: Oh?

MIKE: For a while, we blew them kisses.

EDWARDS: For a time we tried to contact them by radio, but no response. Then they attacked a town. A small town, I'll admit. But nevertheless a town of people. People who died.

ARMY GUY: I never heard about that, Sir.

CROW: Well, it was in Alabama. We didn't figure anyone would really mind.

EDWARDS: Well, it was covered up by the higher echelon. Take any fire, any earthquake, any major disaster, then wonder. Flying saucers are still just a rumour. Officially.

CAPTAIN: Looks like we beat them off again, Sir. We beat them off.

CROW: Please, Mike?

MIKE: Don't say a word, Crow.

EDWARDS: What do they want...where are they from...where are they going...I wonder...what will their next move be?

CRISWELL: What will their next move be?

TOM: Is there an echo in here?

[INSIDE SPACESHIP, TWO MEN...er- TWO "ALIENS", ONE SITTING]

MESSENGER Your space commander has returned from Earth.

RULER: Send him in.

[ENTER EROS AND TANNA]

RULER: You have your report?

EROS: We had to pull in here to Space Station 7 for regeneration. We're returning to the planet Earth immediately thereafter.

TOM: Regeneration?

CROW: Ah-ha! The Aliens have a weakness. Clearly, they are made out of...damn! Mike, quick! What's something that regenerates?

MIKE: Um...the human liver?

CROW AND TOM: Eeeeeew.

RULER: What progress has been made?

EROS: We contacted government officials. They refuse to acknowledge our existence.

TOM: They kept sticking their fingers in their ears and yelling "We can't hear you! We can't hear you!"

RULER: What plan will you follow now?

EROS: Plan 9.

ALL: DUN...DUN...DUN!

EROS: It's been absolutely impossible to work through these Earth creatures. Their soul is too controlled.

RULER: Plan 9...ah yes. Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead. Long-distance electrodes shot into the pinion pituitary glands of recent dead. Have you attempted any of this plan as yet?

EROS: Yes, Excellency.

RULER: How successful has it been?

EROS: We have risen two so far. We shall be just as successful on more.

RULER: The living...they have no suspicion of your movements?

MIKE: Naw, we just tell 'em the walking dead are Republicans. Nobody can tell the difference.

EROS: We had to dispose of one policeman. However, none of those risen have been seen. At least, not by anyone who still remains alive.

RULER: It's too bad it must be handled this way. However, it must. Those who take from the grave will lead the way for our other operations.

TOM: Our theme parks, our mini-malls, our chain of family-centered fast food restaurants.

EROS: Yes, Excellency.

RULER: Continue on. Report to me in two Earth days.

CROW: Remember, that's seven Jupiter days, and four and a half Mercury days.

[TO BE CONTINUED...]

Have a spoooky day, boys and ghouls! Thanks for reading!

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