06-30-03

Sympathy for Columbia House

I'm so damn

You know, there are some seriously weird banner ads out there. I just saw one that's an extreme close-up of some chick. I'm talking nostril-hairs close! I think it's supposed to be sexy, but it just looks kinda scary. Written across the banner are the words: "Do you want some of this?" No. No, I don't.

I've recently come to a conclusion. This knowledge may put me into that dangerous category of people who "know too much." Thus, I'd appreciate it if you guys would send help should I suddenly stop updating after this entry. Okay, here goes. Columbia House is an agent of Satan. There, I said it.

You want proof? The following is a chilling, true story. A couple of months ago, I filled out one of those little "Free CD's! Buy only blah, blah, blah next 2 years, blah blah." I stuck a stamp on that puppy and sent it on it's merry way to Terra Haute. Literally. It was mailed to TERRA. HAUTE. 48 hours latermy CD's arrived! That's just not right. There's no way that order form had time to reach Terra Haute, be filled and mailed back in the space of two days. Does the phrase "supernaturally fast" ring any bells? Unless they were parked in an unmarked van on my street, with their entire collection of CD's at the ready... and snatched my order form from the mailbox... there is almost certainly something fishy going on.

With me so far? Here's what I think. I think we're not reading the fine print carefully enough. In fact, I think that somewhere along with the whole being responsible for the charges should you not purchase the required amount of CD's at regular club prices within the next two years is a teeny, tiny sentence that reads YOU HAVE AGREED TO SELL YOUR SOUL.

Hell is gonna be crowded. And you know we'll all deserve it because so few people actually pay them. C'mon. 'Fess up. Who among us didn't sign up at the tender age of 18 and never buy a damn thing at regular club prices after gleefully getting those free CD's in their hot little hands? With so many people not fulfilling their obligations, how do they stay in business? Easy! They've got a silent partner. One who smells of brimstone! Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Have a great day and thanks for reading.

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