Nov. 29, 2001

Is your guinea pig stinky? Help is here!

I'm so damn The current mood of augustdreams at

I give Woodstock a bath now and then. It's always quite an experience. In case you ever need to bathe your guinea pig:

How to bathe your guinea pig in 8 easy steps:

1. Fill a small sink with warm water and have shampoo and conditioner on hand. Put a towel in the dryer so that it will be getting warm and toasty while you're bathing your stinky little friend.

2. Retrieve Guinea Pig from it's pungent enclosure. (clean cage before putting your pet back inside...or this will all have been for naught. The Guinea pig is probably rather pungent itself if you're undertaking this particular job!)

3. Talk softly to Guinea Pig with much emphasis on how sweet-smelling it will soon be and what a goooood Guinea Pig it is and how nice it will be to feel all clean.

4. Place Guinea Pig in warm water, ignoring loud verbal protests. Continue to talk about benefits of regular bathing and how gooooood Guinea pig is being. (You may want to practice this beforehand in order to sound convincing while sustaining multiple superficial injuries to your hands from your pet's claws and teeth. Do not take this personally. Your pet merely resents the implication that it is not socially acceptable to stink to high heaven.)

5. Lather up Guinea Pig while singing something soothing. (I usually sing "Old McDonald Had Woodstock" Y'know, with a bazillion little poops here and some shed fur a poop, there a dried banana chip, E-I-E-I-O etc.)

6. Rinse Guinea Pig being careful not to let any water get inside your pet's nostrils. (This one's serious. They could easily get pneumnia if the water were to get inside their lungs.) Continue to extoll the virtues of cleanliness as you lather on the conditioner. Take a moment to tell your dog that you don't allow the Guinea Pig to stand around and gloat while she's being bathed and so the Guinea Pig would probably prefer you extend the same kindness to her.

7. Rinse out the conditioner and carry your soggy little pet to the dryer. Resist urge to compare pet to drowned rat and remark on how cute it looks all soaking wet. You'll probably notice that your pet is, apparently, without all that fluffy fur, mostly eyeballs and ears.

8. Wrap Guinea Pig up in warm towel from the dryer and administer equal parts vigorous drying and some cuddling to make up for the indignity of having all that lovely stinkiness forcibly removed. You will be rewarded with purrs of gratitude and a small friend who no longer smells like the end results of its digestive process.

BONUS: Guinea Pigs shake like dogs when wet to rid themselves of the excess water and it's gratuitously cute!

On a totally unrelated note, who else is familiar with the movie "Monster Squad"? Wolfman's got nards! Who else wanted to somehow wind up being the only thing standing between your town/state/country etc. and the forces of evil? Want to know a secret? I still want that. I want to go fight vampires, Werewolves and other creatures of myth and legend. Maybe we never outgrow that particular fantasy...or is it just me?

Have a wonderful day and thanks for reading.

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