July 29, 2003

Counting Anteaters

I'm so damn

Writing in here always soothes me, so I figured I'd do a quick update before bed. I just talked to my amazing big sis, J. She suggested a great way for me to fall asleep. Counting. I'm going to count Anteaters.

All the bad memories that have surfaced tend to make me feel like I'm alone, but I was reminded by a couple of very special people in my life that I'm not. I should know that. Just here in d*land alone, I've got most amazing circle of friends. We don't have to be face to face for that to help. Friendship and love happen in the heart, and hearts don't care anything about the miles between them.

This is going to fade. It won't always feel so raw. I just wish it would hurry up, because I hate feeling this way. It reminds me of food poisoning. It's the emotional equivalent of that awful, stomach-rolling, crampy feeling you get when you know you're going to throw up. All you can think is "Hurry up and GO AWAY!" That's exactly how I feel about this. I'm scared and disgusted, and I can't get the feel and scent of that wretched pig out of my mind. I just keep reminding myself that there's nothing gross or damaged about me. HE did something disgusting, I didn't.

Diznee managers could use a bit of training in dealing with that sort of thing. The woman from security kept trying to hug me. I know it was well intentioned, and I'm probably just using her as a scapegoat because I want to focus my anger on something, but what kind of an idiot doesn't know enough to give someone in that situation plenty of space? She also told me not to discuss it with any of my co-workers...to protect me and the other party!(???) Well, fuck the other party! What does he need protection from? I'd like to put a big billboard with his face on it up at work so everyone will know who he is that he's a pitiful excuse for a human being. And I did discuss it with one of my good friends from work. I won't go blabbing to everyone I see, but I'll be damned if I'm going to act like I did something wrong.

Okay, I feel a little better now. Bedtime for Bonzo. Have a peaceful night filled with sweet dreams, and thanks for reading.

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