19 October 2005

Poem Generator

I'm so damn

You should check this out: Rob's Amazing Poem Generator You enter a url and it generates a poem from the site's context. I entered the url for one of my entries and this is what I got:

A warm, safe place
in love with friends. taking
care of E.
little packages of sad.
words wrap themselves around your
life with me? But no doubt
some kind some kind of a plea
But
I understand. And I wrote
about that.

That's pretty damn cool. Wish I'd written it.

In other news, I want to be in love again. That's the overriding feeling at the moment. And I'm trying so hard to be careful, because there's someone who wants to have a romantic relationship with me. And I care about him too much to jump into it right now. I don't think it was malicious or intentional, but I do think that Marc was using me and my love to soothe the pain of the break-up of his marriage. And I never want to be responsible for causing anyone the kind of pain he caused me.

I'm afraid that my longing to be in love again, to plan a future with someone, will cloud my judgement. There is nothing like falling into love's routine. Having dozens of private jokes that exist solely between the two of you. Being able to sit at the table in the morning, sipping coffe in complete silence, and feeling comfortable in that silence. Falling asleep to the warmth of their body beside yours, and the sound of their breathing. Knowing that if you wake from a nightmare, there are arms to hold you. I want those things back. So badly that it's almost a physical ache.

But I must be making progress, because I no longer want those things with Marc. There's been too much pain for that. Too many times that he's been thoughtless or outright cruel in his words and actions. I hope that one day we can salvage and rebuild our friendship, but I could never share a romantic relationship with him again. I could never trust him that much.

And it's harder now. Harder to feel willing to put my heart out there. Hearing R. say that he's always been attracted to me, that he thinks we're meant to be, that he wants to hold my hand, kiss me, share more than friendship and see where it leads... it's so damn hard to trust those words. A big, unexpected part of me fears that he's just setting me up. Making sure I fall for him so that when he lets go, the shock and damage of the drop will leave my heart crippled again. And I don't want to do this again. I don't want to gather up my fragments and try to piece them back together. I don't want to have to ask the people I love to help me hold onto them while the glue dries.

I'm 29 years old. And sometimes knowing that I'm still so young, that the chances are good I'll be broken countless more times before the ride is over, is simply overwhelming.

But as always, the strength of my belief that the ride is worth the pain overrules all else. There is too much good that comes from living, too much joy, too much love, too many chances to meet true friends along the way. Too much of all those things for me to ever give up. As my Cat said, never give up. Never surrender.

On a toally unrelated note, Aph is furious that I wouldn't let her eat pumpkin innards. To Aph's mind, if it can't outrun her... it's food.

Have a Spooktacular October day and thanks for reading.

P. S. Ah-hahaha! I entered the url for this entry and got this oddly appealing little mini-poem:

But I no longer want to help
Never want to be careful,
because someone will
cloud my Cat

Man. Dontcha just hate it when someone clouds your cat? Bastards.

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