October 31, 2002

Plan Nine - Part V

I'm so damn

LT. HARPER: Kelton.

KELTON: Yessir?

LT. HARPER: Stay with Mrs. Trent.

KELTON: All right, Lieutenant.

JEFF: Now you stay close to the officer, Honey.

PAULA: I'd feel safer with you.

JEFF: The Lieutenant knows best.

MIKE: Yeah. The Lieutenant knows that odds are the monster will go after the chick.

PAULA: Oh I don't like it, but I guess there isn't much I can do about it.

CROW: Geez, she sure is pessimistic.

LT. HARPER: [TO JEFF] You have a gun?

JEFF: No.

LT. HARPER: Know how to use one?

JEFF: After four years in the Marine Corps?

MIKE: Jeff's a Marine? You know, that's the final undoing of my suspension of disbelief.

LT. HARPER: Here, borrow my extra gun.

JEFF: You think we'll need these?

CROW: No, I figure we'll just explain the plot to the monsters. That ought to bore 'em to death.

LT. HARPER: You can never tell. Let's get going.

JEFF: What do you expect to find out here?

CROW: The wily Sperm Whale!

TOM: The what!?!

CROW: I've just been waiting for an excuse to say Sperm Whale.

LT. HARPER: Well there's only one answer to that Mr. Trent, we'll know when we find it. Inspector Clay's grave is right over here.

COL. EDWARDS: Is that the one you told me was broken into?

LT. HARPER: Yeah.

COL. EDWARDS: Looks to me like someone has broken out instead of in.

LT. HARPER: I figured that, but that's impossible!

TOM: ARRRRRRRGH! They just saw a walking corpse disintegrate right in front of their eyes and yet they can't believe some dead guy can crawl out of his grave? It's official. I hate this movie.

COL. EDWARDS: I wonder.

LT. HARPER: Look, Colonel, some things just can't happen.

CROW: Yeah, like Ed Wood making a movie with decent production values and a semi-lucid script.

COL. EDWARDS: Yeah well, after that apparition that was draped across Mr. Trent's patio, I would say we should keep our minds open to anything.

LT. HARPER: Look, Colonel, I'm a policeman. I've got to deal in facts. But, I guess I'll have to go along with you. You know I'd bet my badge right now we haven't seen the last of those weirdies.

TOM: And I'd bet my memory chips that we haven't seen the last of that pie plate on a string.

[SPACESHIP]

CROW: Meanwhile, back at the ranch.

EROS: They'll discover our ship soon.

TANNA: You're going to let them find us?

EROS: It's the only way. These are the same men who have been so close so often. They must be halted before they can inform others about us.

TOM: But wasn't the whole point to prove to people that you exist!? Man, I hate this movie!

TANNA: But there were others in the car!

EROS: They'll be taken too. Send the big one to get the girl and the policeman. I'll turn on the dictorobitary so we may converse with them.

[CLAY'S GRAVE]

JEFF: You know, maybe we're barking up the wrong tree.

LT. HARPER: One thing a policeman learns, Mr. Trent, is patience.

COL. EDWARDS: Where's the burned spot you mentioned?

LT. HARPER: Right over the - look!

CROW: Eeeew. That's not a burn, that's Athlete's foot.

[SHOT OF SOMETHING GLOWING BEHIND TREES]

LT. HARPER: We'll investigate, but move carefully.

[BACK AT THE CAR, KELTON IS ATTACKED BY THE UNDEAD CLAY]

KELTON: Ahh...ahhhhhhhh!

[CLAY WALKS OVER TO CAR]

PAULA: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

[SPACESHIP]

EROS: (Looking out window) A moment or two more, and you will be the first live Earth people ever to enter a celestial ship.

[OUTSIDE SHIP]

LT. HARPER: Wow...boy, how could anything that big hide for so long a time?

MIKE: They're referring, of course, to Tor Johnson.

COL. EDWARDS: Never heard metal sound like that before. What do you see?

LT. HARPER: Only my reflection. Must be some kind of one-way glass

. COL. EDWARDS: How do you get into this thing?

JEFF: I'm not sure I want to find out.

CROW: A rare moment of lucidity for Jeff.

[SHIP]

EROS: They're just outside. You can open the outer hatch now.

TOM: Quick! How does my hair look?

[OUTSIDE]

LT. HARPER: Look out!

JEFF: You goin' in that thing?

COL. EDWARDS: That's what we're here for.

JEFF: I don't know, the way these things speed around we might just get in there and pft! Off it goes.

MIKE: We can only hope.

COL. EDWARDS: That's a chance we'll take.

LT. HARPER: Well, I took a chance on those earlier airplanes. Might just as well see what the inside of one of these looks like. Got your guns ready?

JEFF: I tell you one thing, if a little green man jumps out at me I'm shooting first and asking questions later.

TOM: E.T. phone...BLAM! BLAM! Heh. heh. heh.

MIKE: That was pretty harsh, Servo.

TOM: I'm sorry, Mike. I just needed a target for my rage at this movie. Stupid movie!

[INSIDE THE SPACE SHIP]

TANNA: They're in the outer chamber now. Eros, do we have to kill them?

EROS: Yes.

TANNA: It seems such a waste.

CROW: I made a Fondue and everything.

EROS: Well wouldn't it be better to kill a few now than, with their meddling, permit them to destroy the entire universe?

TANNA: You're always right, Eros.

MIKE: It annoys the hell out of me.

EROS: Of course. But those are not my words, those are the words of the Ruler.

[THE THREE MEN ENTER THE ROOM, GUNS READY]

LT. HARPER: Now you two stay right where you're at.

EROS: We will do as you command. For the moment.

LT. HARPER: No for the moment about it. You just do as I tell you.

CROW: Simon says...spin around in a circle!

EROS: You do not need guns. They would be of no use to you now.

LT. HARPER: They've been mighty useful before on flesh and blood, and you two look like you've got a lot of both.

EROS: True, they would be effective upon us. If you were to have the opportunity to use them...

JEFF: Mister, if you don't get away from that control board I'll show you just how effective they can be.

TOM: You go, Jeff! Give that alien what for!

EROS: Shall we talk now, or wait?Your friends will be here shortly.

LT. HARPER: What friends?

EROS: Those you left at the vehicle.

JEFF: If you've done anything to Paula...!

MIKE & TOM SERVO [Singing]: Hey, hey, Paula!

CROW: AAAAAARRRRGH!

COL. EDWARDS: Take it easy, Mr. Trent.

EROS: Oh I assure you, no harm has come to her. Would you like to see?

[JEFF: SHOOTS THE CONTROL BOARD]

JEFF: Next time you try that I won't aim at the board.

CROW: I'll aim right at your big, intergalactic ass!

EROS: You're a headstrong young man.

CROW: I find that very alluring...

EROS: I was only going to turn on the televisor so you could see her movements.

TOM: Eeeeew. Nobody wants to see her movements.

LT. HARPER: Go ahead, my friend, but move very carefully.

EROS: She's not hurt, she's only fainted.

MIKE: Poor kid. Somebody showed her the script.

JEFF: You fiend!

EROS: I? A fiend? I am a soldier of our planet! I? A fiend? We did not come here as enemies. We came only with friendly intentions! To talk! To ask your aid!

TOM: To raise your dead! To kidnap innocent people and spout off about our superiority!

COL. EDWARDS: Our aid?

EROS: Yes.

MIKE: You big meanie!

EROS: But your governments of Earth refused even to accept our existence. Even though you've seen us, heard our messages, you still refused to accept us.

COL. EDWARDS: Why is it so important to contact the governments of our Earth?

EROS: Because of death. Because all you of Earth are idiots!

JEFF: Now you just hold on, Buster.

TOM: Wait just a cotton pickin' minute!

EROS: No, you hold on!

CROW: No, you!

TOM: No, you!

EROS: First was your firecracker, a harmless explosive.

CROW: Harmless, my ass! How are you eyebrows doing these days anyway, Mike?

MIKE: They're starting to grow back, but next year I get to be mission control and you and Servo can light the rocket.

EROS: Then your handgrenade. Then the bomb, then a larger bomb. Many people are killed at one time. Then your scientists stumbled upon the atom bomb. Split the atom. Then the hydrogen bomb, where you actually explode the air itself. Now you bring the destruction of the entire universe, served by our sun. The only explosion left is the solaronite.

CROW: Way to spill the beans, Eros.

COL. EDWARDS: Why, there's no such thing.

EROS: Perhaps to you. But we've known of it for centuries. Your scientists will stumble upon it as they have all the others. But the juvenile minds you possess will not comprehend its strength, until it's too late.

CROW: We do not have juvenile minds! Hey...did you guys realize the name Eros sounds kinda dirty? Hee hee hee!

EROS: Even now, your scientists are working on a way to harness the sun's rays. The rays of sunlight are minute particles. Is it so far from your imagination they cannot do as I have suggested?

COL. EDWARDS: article of sunlight can't even be seen or measured

EROS: Can you see or measure an atom? Yet you can explode one. A ray of sunlight is made up many atoms.

TOM: You know a movie's in trouble when they start giving you science lessons as filler.

JEFF: So what if we do developed this solaronite bomb? We'd be even a stronger nation than now.

EROS: Stronger. You see? You see? Your stupid minds...stupid! Stupid!!

TOM: Stupid! Stupid, stupid movie! Stupid!!

JEFF: That's all I'm taking from you!

[JEFF LEAPS AT EROS]

LT. HARPER: Get back here you jerk! Let him finish.

TOM: Whoa! Harper's sucking up to the aliens! Traitor!

COL. EDWARDS: You speak of solaronite, but just what is it?

EROS: Explode sunlight here, and a chain reaction will occur, direct to the sun itself. And to all the planets that sunlight touches. To every planet in the universe. This why you must be stopped. This is why any means must be used to stop you.

LT. HARPER: He's mad.

TOM: Mad, I tell you! Maaaaaad!

TANNA: Mad? Is it mad that you destroy other people to save yourselves? You have done this. Is it mad that one country must destroy another to save themselves? You have also done this. How then is it mad that one planet must destroy another that threatens the very existence-

EROS: That's enough!! In my land, women are for advancing the race, not for fighting man's battles. Life is not so expansive on my planet. We don't cling to it like you do. Our entire aim is for the development of our planet.

MIKE: I notice the mysogynist sentiment there feels a bit tacked on.

CROW: Well, the guy did wear dresses and Angora sweaters while directing.

TOM: Ed Wood had more issues than the New York Times.

[BACK AT THE CAR, KELTON IS NOW INSIDE IT. LARRY PULLS UP BESIDE HIM]

LARRY: What happened to you?

KELTON: How come you're all alone? I asked for lots of help!

LARRY: You sounded drunk or something on the radio.

KELTON: If I didn't see it with my own eyes I would never have believed it!

LARRY: Believed what?

KELTON: It was horrible! And he almost broke my shoulder!

LARRY: Look, what are you trying to say? If you don't make sense we'll never get to the bottom of this.

CROW: That's what I've been saying all movie long!

KELTON: Inspector Clay.

LARRY: What?

KELTON: It was Clay all right, only not like we remembered him.

LARRY: Next you'll tell me you saw skeletons.

KELTON: We did, earlier.

LARRY: You're off your rocker.

TOM: The cheese has slipped off your cracker.

CROW: You're one french fry short of a happy meal.

TOM: You're not playing with a full deck.

CROW: Your elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

TOM: You-

MIKE: Enough!

KELTON: All of us saw, the Lieutenant, Col. Edwards, everybody!

LARRY: Where's the Lieutenant now?

KELTON: We've gotta find them. Mrs. Trent is gone! I was left here to guard her. Then Clay showed up and put me out of the running. That's the second time tonight and I'm getting darned tired of it!

LARRY: Which way were they going?

KELTON: That way.

LARRY: Come on!

[BACK IN SHIP, EROS IS LOOKING OUT WINDOW, STILL GOING ON...]

EROS: Then one day it could all be gone, in one big puff of smoke and ball of fire. All that out there, the stars, the planets, all just an empty void.

CROW: Is this guy still yapping about the sun exploding?

MIKE: It's like being trapped in a closet with a Greenpeace convention.

LT. HARPER: You two had better come along with us.

EROS: Come with you? Where?

LT. HARPER: The police station.

EROS: Aaaaahahahahahahahahaha! So it seems you think you have the upper hand. Look out there.

LT. HARPER: Wha-!

[WINDOW REVEALS CLAY HOLDING PAULA]

EROS: She is unharmed, but he would kill in seconds if I so choose.

MIKE: He would also dance the Charleston.

[LARRY AND KELTON APPROACH SHIP]

LARRY: Holy cow! Look there. It's Clay all right, there's no mistaking that.

KELTON: And he's got Mrs. Trent!

LARRY: Get your gun ready.

KELTON: From all I've seen tonight guns won't do any good. Clay is dead, and we buried him. How are we going to kill somebody that's already dead? Dead! And yet there he stands!

LARRY: Look, I've got an idea. Hurt him or not, we've got to try something. I'm going to sneak up behind him and whop him over the head. That oughta make him move. Follow me. Even when Clay was alive he couldn't run fast enough to catch me, so when he does, you grab Mrs. Trent and run like lightning in the opposite direction.

KELTON: Do you think it will work?

TOM: Nah, I'm just bored.

LARRY: Know anything else to try?

[THEY DO SO, CLAY FALLS AND DROPS PAULA]

[SHIP]

EROS: Your men have felled the big one.

MIKE: Curses! Foiled again!

EROS: This could only happen because the electrode ray is off. He'll walk again when I turn it on.

TOM: Yeah. I'll turn it on. Then you'll be sorry!

LT. HARPER: Hold it right there.

[FIGHT BREAKS OUT IN THE SPACE SHIP]

[OUTSIDE]

LARRY: Suppose the Lieutenant and the others are in that thing!

KELTON: Well suppose there are martians or something in there!

CROW: Suppose this movie sucks ass!

[SHIP, FIGHT STILL GOING ON]

LT. HARPER: Come on, let's go!

MIKE: Go, go, Gadget Copter!

[OUTSIDE]

LARRY: Open up in there, open up!

COL. EDWARDS: Get that door open, Larry!

LT. HARPER: Colonel, I wouldn't know one switch from another.

[COL. EDWARDS EVENTUALLY OPENS THE DOOR]

COL. EDWARDS: Get out of here, Jeff! The ship's on fire!

[THE MEN RUN OUT OF THE SHIP]

TANNA: Eros! Eros, everything's on fire! Hurry, wake up Eros! Eros, wake up, wake up! EROS! EROS, wake up, EROS! Wake up!

TOM: Wake up, Eros!

MIKE: Eros! Wake up!

CROW: Wake up, Eros! Wake up!

[OUTSIDE]

LT. HARPER: Oh, I wonder if that's the last we'll see of them.

COL. EDWARDS: Perhaps, but sooner or later there'll be others.

CROW: Yeah, there'll be Night of the Ghoul, Glen or Glenda...

LARRY: Look!

PAULA: Have they caught that woman, that thing yet?

LT. HARPER: Hey that's right, there's another ghoul running loose!

COL. EDWARDS: And it's my guess that she'll look like him. With the ship and the ray gun gone, they have no control. We got to hand it to them though, they're far ahead from us.

[SHIP BLOWS UP]

CRISWELL: My friend, you have seen this incident based on sworn testimony. Can you prove that it didn't happen? Perhaps on your way home, you will pass someone in the dark, and you will never know it, for they will be from outer space. Many scientists believe that another world is watching us this moment. We once laughed at the horseless carriage, the aeroplane, the telephone, the electric light, vitamins, radio, and even television! And now some of us laugh at outer space. God help us... in the future.

The End

ALL: THUNDEROUS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CROW: I've never been so happy to see a movie end!

TOM: *sniff* Awww, it wasn't such a bad little movie. I think it just needed a little love.

TOM SERVO wraps the video in a small, blue blanket and hangs a Christmas ornament from it, a la "A Charlie Brown Christmas".

ALL: HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY!

'Nighty night, d*land. Sweet dreams. :)

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