October 31, 2002

Plan Nine - Part IV

I'm so damn

Poor Mike, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot are still being subjected to Ed Wood's Opus. Let's join them, shall we?

[GRAVEYARD - DUSK]

LARRY: A flying saucer? What makes you say that?

LT. HARPER: You remember the noise we heard the other night?

LARRY: We were knocked to the ground, how could I forget?

TOM: A noise knocked them to the ground? What a couple of wusses.

MIKE: Maybe it was the soundtrack to Glitter.

TOM: That would explain it.

LT. HARPER: Exactly, but you're not remembering that sound.

LARRY: There you're wrong, Lieutenant. I'm with a fact the sound is similar, but what about the blinding light?

CROW: I'm with a fact the sound is similar? What the hell does that mean?!

MIKE: I think the grammar in this script with a fact is not very well.

TOM: Yeah. Hooked on Phonics didn't work for Ed Wood.

LT. HARPER: Well haven't you heard? Many times a saucer hasn't had a glow, or a light of any kind for that matter.

LARRY: That proves it. What next Lietenant?

CROW: That proves WHAT??? What are they talking about!?

MIKE: Easy, Crow. Deep breaths.

KELTON: Maybe this doesn't mean much, but uh Jamie and me found a grave that looks like it's been busting into.

CROW: Busting into?

MIKE: Let it go, Crow. Some battles aren't worth fighting.

LT. HARPER: What?! Where?!

CROW: My point, exactly.

KELTON: Why uh why...

TOM: When uh when...

CROW: Where uh where...

MIKE: How uh how...

LT. HARPER: Come on man, out with it, we haven't got all day to waste.

MIKE: Yeah, out with it Kelton! The sooner you start talking the sooner this movie will end!

KELTON: Uh, it's just over there beyond the crypt.

CROW: Jamie and I go parking there, Lieutenant.

LT. HARPER: All right, show us the way!

[CLAY'S GRAVE]

MIKE: Here lies Tor Johnson. Died of embarrassment when Plan 9 was given a theatrical release.

KELTON: Look, here it is Lieutenant.

LT. HARPER: Ah it's been broken into all right.

LARRY: Strange. If someone had broken in, the dirt should be piled up here somewhere. It looks like it's fallen in into the grave.

CROW: Dammit, Larry! Don't slow the plot down! I can't take much more...

LT. HARPER: Larry, you'll be out of that uniform before you know it.

CROW: And it'll look great crumpled up on my bedroom floor!

LARRY: Do we have the right to look down there Lieutenant?

LT. HARPER: Ah, technically no.

LARRY: No?

LT. HARPER: We shouldn't investigate any further without the permission of next of kin.

KELTON: Let's go get it!

TOM: Excuse me, ma'am. Can we muck around in your son's grave? We'll clean up after ourselves.

LT. HARPER: How do we find out who to ask permission of?

LARRY: I see what you mean, the gravestone's fallen down there.

LT. HARPER: Well, let's go down and find out whose grave it is.

CROW: It's Clay's grave, you idiot! The script said so twelve lines ago! Aren't you paying attention?

KELTON: How?

LT. HARPER: By going down and finding out!

TOM: I thought he just said they weren't technically allowed down there.

MIKE: It's easier to take if you just smile and nod, Servo.

KELTON: Are you sure you mean that Lieutenant?

LT. HARPER: If I didn't mean it I wouldn't have said it.

LARRY: Scared?

KELTON: Well, why do I always get hooked up with spook detail? Monsters, graves, bodies.

CROW: Will somebody give Kelton a Scooby Snack to shut him up?

[KELTON ENTERS GRAVE]

KELTON: Casket's here, but nobody's in it.

LT. HARPER: Can you read the name on the casket?

TOM: Is it customary to actually write someone's name on their casket?

KELTON: It's too dark. Give me a flashlight.

LT. HARPER: How 'bout a match?

CROW: How 'bout some Dynamite?

KELTON: We sure could try it. Let me have them! It's Inspector Clay's grave! But he ain't in it!

MIKE: Kelton's obviously vying for Lt. Harper's title of Master of the Obvious.

[AERIAL SHOT OF WASHINGTOM DC]

CRISWELL: But meanwhile, in Washington DC...

CROW: Mister President! Put your pants back on!

[INSIDE AN OFFICE, MAN SITTING BEHIND DESK]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

GENERAL ROBERTS: Come in. Hello, Edwards. Close the door. At ease, son.

COL. EDWARDS: Thank you, Sir.

GENERAL ROBERTS: Sit down. I understand, Edwards, that you've been on tap for many of our saucer attacks.

TOM: They haven't actually attacked anyone, have they? Did I miss something?

COL. EDWARDS: I'm in charge of field operations, Sir.

GENERAL ROBERTS: You believe there are such things as flying saucers, Edwards?

COL. EDWARDS: Yessir.

GENERAL ROBERTS: You've seen them?

COL. EDWARDS: Yessir.

GENERAL ROBERTS: You realize there's a government directive stating that there is no such thing as a flying saucer?

COL. EDWARDS: Yessir.

TOM: ARRRRRRRRRRRGH! Say something besides "Yessir"!

GENERAL ROBERTS: Do you stand by your statement that you've seen flying saucers?

COL. EDWARDS: Well, uh, yessir.

TOM: I can't take it anymore!

MIKE: Just close your eyes and pretend we're watching an episode of JAG.

GENERAL ROBERTS: This could mean a court marshall. Admitting this is against direct orders.

CROW: You asked him, you moron!

COL. EDWARDS: General Roberts, may I speak freely?

GENERAL ROBERTS: You may.

CROW: I really admire your high, firm buttocks, Sir.

COL. EDWARDS: How could I hope to hold down my command if I didn't believe in what I saw and shot at?

GENERAL ROBERTS: I, uh, like you Colonel.

CROW: I, uh, like you too, Sir. When I think about you, I touch myself.

COL. EDWARDS: Thank you, Sir.

GENERAL ROBERTS: There are flying saucers. There's no doubt they are in our skies. They've been there for some time.

COL. EDWARDS: What're we going to do about them?

GENERAL ROBERTS: Who knows?

MIKE: Who made this guy a General?

COL. EDWARDS: Then, uh, they really are there?

TOM: We've established that. Can we please move on? Stupid movie.

GENERAL ROBERTS: We've had contact with them.

COL. EDWARDS: Contact? How?

CROW: Oh, you know. Chat rooms, paper airplanes. Once, we almost got caught passing them a note in study hall.

GENERAL ROBERTS: Radio.

COL. EDWARDS: They speak our language?

GENERAL ROBERTS: Well since they first tried contact with us by radio, we've developed a language computer. A machine that breaks down any language to our own.

CROW: Even Esperanto?

COL. EDWARDS: General, uh, what's this all got to do with me?

CROW: Nothing. I just think you're hot.

GENERAL ROBERTS: Well you've been in charge of saucer field activity for a long while. I think it's about time you heard these recordings. Do you mind?

COL. EDWARDS: Mind? I'm anxious!

[GENERAL ROBERTS PLAYS THE RECORDING]

VOICE ON RECORDING: This is Eros, a space soldier from a planet of your galaxy. I fully realize our language differences, however I also know you finally have perfected the dictorobitary, or as you on Earth put it, the language computer. So you can now understand that which I speak. Permit me to set your mind at ease. We do not want to conquer your planet. Only save it. Make it a better planet. We could have destroyed it long ago, if that had been our aim. With your ancient, juvenile minds, you have developed explosives too fast for your minds to conceive what you were doing. You are on the verge of destroying the entire universe. We are part of that universe. This is our last -

TOM: He sounds just like Brain Guy!

MIKE: Yeah, it's downright eerie.

GENERAL ROBERTS: That's the end of that one. Atmospheric conditions in outer space often interfere with transmitting.

COL. EDWARDS: Do you think they mean business?

GENERAL ROBERTS: We can't afford to take any chances. Come over here.

CROW: Sit on my lap.

GENERAL ROBERTS: You ever been to Hollywood?

COL. EDWARDS: Oh a couple of times. A few years ago.

GENERAL ROBERTS: You're going to be there in the morning. Just a few minutes from Hollywood, in the town of San Fernando, reports have come in of saucers flying so low the exhaust knocked people to the ground. Find them, Colonel. See what in hell it is they want!

TOM: Weren't you listening to the recording? They want to save our planet, and make it a better place!

MIKE: Good Lord! We're being invaded by the Moral Majority!

COL. EDWARDS: All right, Sir.

GENERAL ROBERTS: These are confidential reports, Colonel. Read them over carefully on the plane, turn them over to intelligence when you get to Los Angeles.

COL. EDWARDS: Yessir.

GENERAL ROBERTS: Colonel Edwards?

COL. EDWARDS: Yessir?

CROW: I love you!

GENERAL ROBERTS: Good luck.

COL. EDWARDS: Thank you, Sir.

[INSIDE MOTHER SHIP]

EROS: We are ready to report, Excellency.

RULER: You are many days late.

EROS: It was unavoidable. We tried to transmit via televisor, but atmospheric conditions made transmission impossible.

TOM: And we lost cable right in the middle of The Sopranos!

RULER: You should have transmitted as soon as conditions permitted.

EROS: I thought time was of the essence. Suspicion has fallen upon our movements. Our ships have been viewed near the point of operations.

RULER: And what has this extra time gained, Eros?

EROS: We have successfully risen three of the dead ones.

TOM: Are they grateful?

MIKE: That's kind of obscure, Servo. I don't know if anybody's gonna get it.

RULER: Permit me to see one.

EROS: [TO TANNA] Bring in the big one. Use your small electrode gun.

MIKE: Then, bring in the small one and use your big electrode gun.

RULER: I have removed two ships from your command.

EROS: But...that will leave only one ship!

RULER: It is necessary that you continue your mission alone. I have need of your other ships elsewhere. Even though you have risen three of the Earth dead, the plan is far from successful, and you, Eros, must prove it an operational success before anymore time, energy, and ships, may be spent on it.

EROS: We will not fail. Everything is on our side.

MIKE: Except, you know, the people of Earth, time, and you. But other than that...

RULER: Not everything! You do not have the live Earth people! You report that your ship was viewed at scene of your present operations?

EROS: That is correct.

RULER: They have been viewed many times. This dissapoints me! Something must be done about that!

CROW: Your ass is grass, Eros. And the Ruler is the lawnmower!

[TANNA BRINGS IN CLAY, WHO IMMEDIATELY STARTS AFTER EROS]

EROS: Stop him, Tanna! He's close enough! Turn off your electrode gun! No! No! Stop him, Tanna!

TANNA: I can't get it, it's jammed!

TOM: Isn't that always the way? You finally get to show off your big, reanimated dead guy to your Ruler and something goes wrong.

EROS: Stop him, you fool!

RULER: Drop the gun to the floor, Tanna! The metal will break contact!

EROS: [Gasping] That was too close!

RULER: Yes. Bring the giant here that I may get a better look at him. Yes, he's a fine specimen.

CROW: He makes me tingle all over. Have him sent to my room.

MIKE: You're beginning to get out of hand, Crow.

CROW: Sorry.

RULER: Are they all this powerful on planet Earth?

EROS: This one is an exception, Excellency.

TOM: Imagine a planet of Tor Johnsons.

MIKE: The mind boggles.

RULER: What are the other two like?

EROS: One is a woman, the other an old man.

CROW: Dammit, Eros! You know old men are a dime a dozen on ebay!

RULER: An old man, you say?

EROS: Yes, Excellency.

RULER: This gives me a plan. Put the big one away.

EROS: Pick up your electrode gun. Make sure it's in working order before pointing it at him.

RULER: The old one must be sacrificed. Re-land on Earth. Send the old one to enter a dwelling. Then cut off the electrokinetic and turn on your ship's decomposure ray. The result will horrify those watching.

MIKE: I wouldn't count on it, Rule. We've seen Mariah Carey and Eminem in their own movies. We're pretty numb to horror.

RULER: It will astound them long enough to delay their attention until you have gained your other recruits from the cemetery.

TOM: If it doesn't, do that trick with the linking rings. They will be quite astounded.

EROS: Yes, Excellency. It will be done.

CROW: [making kissing noises]

RULER: Report to me when this has been accomplished.

MIKE: I'll be in my room, drinking Yoohoo and watching Tiny Toons.

[OUTSIDE TRENT HOUSE CAR PULLS UP WITH LT. HARPER, KELTON AND COLONEL EDWARDS]

LT. HARPER: Mr. and Mrs. Trent...this is Colonel Edwards from Washington DC.

PAULA: Good evening, Colonel.

JEFF: Hello, Colonel.

LT. HARPER: The Colonel would like to ask you a few questions.

JEFF: Questions? What about, Colonel?

TOM: He wants to know if you think he's a Winter or a Summer. This year's gutsy reds just don't work for him. He longs to find a makeup which accentuates his features without drawing attention to itself.

MIKE: Easy, Servo. Don't exhaust yourself. It's a long movie.

COL. EDWARDS: May I, uh, sit down?

PAULA: Oh, I'm sorry, please do.

COL. EDWARDS: I want to ask you about your strange experience the other night, when you saw the flying saucer.

[SHOT OF FLYING SAUCER, BASICALLY SO WE DON'T HAVE TO HEAR WHAT HAPPENED AGAIN]

CROW: Hallelujah!

MIKE: Thank you, movie.

TOM: Mike! Prayer really does work!

PAULA: After that, the police brought me home. I hope I never see such a sight again.

COL. EDWARDS: Well, after your description I don't think I'd want to see it either.

COL. EDWARDS: This is the most fantastic story I've ever heard.

CROW: Well, except for that time when Jeb Bush claimed his brother won Florida's vote legally.

JEFF: And every word of it's true, too.

COL. EDWARDS: That's the fantastic part of it.

LT. HARPER: We found a lot of suspicious things out in that cemetery. Then again, we didn't find anything to base a fact or suspicion on. Hey, do you hear something?

TOM: Sorry. When I'm nervous, I get gas.

LT. HARPER: You see anything out there Kelton?

KELTON: Too dark, Lieutenant. But something's started stinking awful bad.

CROW: But the ad said it was strong enough for a man, even though it was made for a woman.

JEFF: There's something out there.

[OLD MAN WALKS OUT, THEY SHOOT AT IT. THE SHIP TURNS ON ITS DECOMPOSURE RAY, AND THE GHOUL IS REDUCED TO BONES]

CROW: Calista Flockhart!

COL. EDWARDS: What do you make of that?

LT. HARPER: You got me.

KELTON: Did you see that thing? Did you see it?

LT. HARPER: We saw it.

MIKE: No, Kelton. They missed the suddenly decomposing corpse standing right in front of them.

KELTON: What was it? It didn't fall...I fired every bullet I had.

TOM: Both of them!

LT. HARPER: I don't know what it was or what happened, but unless that bag of bones can reassemble itself, it's out of the running now.

[BACK AT THE CEMETERY]

LT. HARPER: Colonel, I've been out here so often you'd think I'd taken a lease on this place.

LT. HARPER: I know what you mean. But I can't help but feel the answer's out here somewhere.

COL. EDWARDS: Is the, uh, girl safe?

LT. HARPER: Mrs. Trent, you'd better stay with the car.

PAULA: Stay here alone? Not on your life.

LT. HARPER: Modern women.

TOM: Always wanting to tag along when we go Ghoul hunting.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Stay tuned for the fifth and final part of PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE! Same Bat time. Same Bat channel.

Enjoy your Halloween and thanks for reading!

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