January 23, 2003

Let us take a journey...

I'm so damn

So in the second century, Greek writer Pausanias wrote a vivid description of the frightening procedures involved in consulting the Oracle of Trophonius at Labadeia. (Now called Levadhia)

What's that? You say you want to ask the Oracle a question? Better make sure it's important because this isn't going to be pleasant. Don't risk ticking off the Oracle by asking "Who's gonna win the Superbowl?" or some such trivial question. Remember, the Oracle is a powerful, dead and cranky entity. I'd suggest asking something more along the lines of "Am I following the right path in my life?" or "Will the Jackson Five ever do a reunion concert and if so, will Michael have to Duct tape his nose onto his face?"

Got your question? Okay, let's go. Yes, that hillside that lies in the shadows of a grove of trees is our destination. But first, we must stop here and make a sacrifice to the Oracle. (Nothing cute and furry. Some Fire Ants or a particularly loathsome Centipede would do nicely.) All done? No, no. You don't need a tiny dagger. Just stomp on it and say "I sacrifice these Fire Ants to appease you, Oracle" or something equally polite. Remember: Oracles are cranky. It pays to lay on the praise pretty thick.

It's gotten nice and dark out. Time to have a bath in the stream under the moonlight. Woo! Nice butt! Okay, okay. I'll turn around. What?! No, it wasn't me! Some supernatural entity probably piched your butt when you turned around. Heh. heh. heh.

All nice and clean? Okay! Hop on back into your clothes and we'll continue our journey. It's time to ender the maze. It is said that the maze was created to keep the Oracle from making it's way out into the world of the living. Sure you want to go through with this? Really sure? Okay. Yes, yes. I've got your offering of Honey Cakes right here. Make sure you place them on the ground when you reach the Oracle's lair. It's got a sweet tooth.

Now, we must climb right down that ladder. Oh, don't worry. It's stood for a few thousand years, I'm sure it'll make at least one more night. Here, let me give you the Honey Cakes and then I'll climb down.

Okay. Here we are. You see that hole right here? No, right there. Yes, the very small one. Well, you're going to have to lie down and force your feet through it, up to your knees. Once your knees are through, you'll be pulled down rapidly into the dwelling of the Oracle below. Nobody is sure what force pulls you, but I don't think it's actually ripped anyone in half or anything...yet. Of course, I do remember hearing that Wise Old Earl forgot the Honey Cakes and tried to make do with a handful of Elderberries and...what? Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to make you nervous.

What's that? I'm sorry, no. You're on your own. I'll wait for you here. I don't have any questions need answering that badly! However, I will tell you what to expect. Then maybe you'll stop shaking like that. With all that shaking, you'll have a devil of a time stuffing your legs in the hole!

What happens is the Oracle pulls you down into it's lair and then the answer you seek will be revealed to you either audibly or through a vision. Afterwards, you'll come shooting back up through the hole; feet first and paralysed with fear. Of course I'm not making that up! It's always been that way. Don't worry, I'll bring you to the special building where the Priests keep an eye on you while you rest and recover.

Ready? Just put your legs through. Yes, just like that. Only a few more inches and you'll be in up to your knees. Oh! Before you go any further, there is one more thing. No one who has been through this experience has ever laughed again. (Ohhhh, so that's what happened to my high school Algebra teacher!)

What? Yes, good idea. Hot chocolate and conversation sounds a much better way to spend this dreary evening. On our way home, we'll pick up a Magic 8 Ball. It may not be accurate, but it won't render you mirthless for the rest of your born days!

Have a great evening and thanks for reading. :)

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