04 October 2005

Open bag. Eat nuts.

I'm so damn The current mood of augustdreams at www.imood.com

Do you know what's printed on those little packages of nuts you get on an airplane? "Open bag. Eat nuts." No doubt there's some very funny and/or philosophical point to be made about that. But it's late and my brain fizzled.

Thank you for the comments on what I wrote about still being in love with someone who doesn't love me back the same way. It helps to know I'm not alone, but I'm so sorry that you've been through it too. I recently found out he apparently doesn't feel our friendship is worth saving either. Aint that a kick in the heart. And I'd give anything to fall out of love right now. It's like some kind of emotional torture and there's nothing I can do to make it stop. Nothing can change it. All I can do is wait for the pain to fade.

I just don't understand. And I've lost count of how many times I've spoken and written those four words over the past couple months. But I don't understand. How can you go from proposing and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone to not even deeming them worthy of a brief conversation? I would never have given up on our friendship. I don't turn my back on friends.

It just hurts so fucking much. How could he choose returning to an abusive relationship over being with me? But even more than that, how can he walk away from our friendship? He was one of my best friends.

I don't want to care. I wish I could turn my anger into hate or (even better!) indifference. But I can't. I want someone to shoot my heart up with Novacaine. Or give me amnesia. I want to stop remembering the way it was. The person who made all those promises to me is gone. And I can't have him back. So why can't I just get the fuck over it? I'm okay most of the time. I've been laughing. working. writing. smiling. going out with friends. taking care of my fuzzies. Life keeps moving forward and me along with it. The pain and sadness hasn't consumed me. But it hasn't gone away either. And every time it hits me, it brings me to my knees.

If you don't mind my getting a little graphic and gross here, (like you've got a choice. heh.) it's the emotional equivalent of food poisoning. Ever get a side of E. Coli with your fries? You know those long moments lying on the bathroom floor when you can't even put a coherent thought together beyond a plea to whatever resident diety of intenstinal bacteria is listening to please make the pain stop? At it's worst, that's what this feels like. Pain so strong that it feels like you can't take it. Like your heart can't survive it. And the whipped cream on that particular piece of pie is the guilt you feel. Because come on. Like the song says, "Hearts are broken every day." And you tell yourself how it could be worse. That at least you have a warm, safe place to live. Enough food to eat. Enough water to drink. But that doesn't help. It just makes you feel guilty on top of sad. But no matter how it feels, you can survive it. Hell, it's likely to happen a few more times before the ride is over.

It's my sweet LDG who said the words that I've been holding onto. One day I'm going to look back on this from another place in my life and feel grateful that it didn't work out. Because I'll look at the happiness I have then and realize I could have so easily missed out on it. I hope those words wrap themselves around your heart, too. No matter how much you're hurting right now (and there's someone very sweet and generous that I know in d*land who is hurting tonight) please remember that every path you're forced to abandon only means taking a new route. One that leads someplace good. One that leads to people, things and places that will be so dear to your heart, you won't be able to imagine your life without them. And you'll shudder at how close you came to missing them.

Anyone who read through all the way through my rambling deserves some kind of an award. Like chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream or a monkey. Have a good night and thanks for reading.

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