September 10, 2002

Zombies: A Field Guide

I'm so damn The current mood of augustdreams at

ZOMBIES: A Field Guide: Brought to you by the fine folks at AugustDreams.

Most zombies are not spry: The fact is, they just aren't well wired anymore. If accosted, you can walk around it; it won't catch up. For fun, run around one in circles and make it dizzy - it's more fun than cow tipping. If one happens to get too close, give it a good shove and watch it topple like your drunken Uncle Phil on Christmas Eve.

Zombies have limited offensive capability: They want to either take a big, juicy bite out of you, thus transforming you into one of their ilk - or they want to eat your brains. Don't let them get that close! Refuse all offers of slow dances. Especially don't fall for their famous "I think there's something in my eye, could you check for me?" routine. Few things are more humiliating than being laughed at by the living dead.

Out of sight, out of mind: Most zombies, especially the Romeroesque ones, tend to just wander aimlessly until somebody is stupid enough to call attention to themselves. If you can get past the stink and rot, zombies could be likened to carnivorous Cows.

There are no Zombies in MENSA: Generally speaking, zombie IQ is roughly equivalent to that of a soggy cornflake. Don't try to reason with them.

Zombies' dim minds can recall those they knew when they were alive - especially if you owed them five bucks: You will often run into Zombies you knew before they were dead. All you have to remember is that dear old Uncle Fudd would never stumble towards you missing an arm, covered in blood, smelling worse than usual, and trying to take a bite out of you.

Types of zombies: Generally there are two types of zombies, ones that stagger toward you and moan and ones that hide and wait to jump out at you. Rule of thumb, if you jump in a vehicle to escape staggering zombies, make sure you check the back seat first for the 'ole spring-loaded zombie.

One zombie in ten: Every now and then, you'll run into a group of zombies (which I prefer to call by the proper, scientific name, a "Shamble" of zombies.) who travel with one individual who seems to have retained more brain cells than the rest. You will recognize this particular zombie by it's uncanny ability to move fast, use facial expressions and, rarely, get off a witty one-liner at your expense. Beware this Zombie!

Have a good night and thanks for reading!

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