August 26, 2005

Roller Coaster of Love

I'm so damn The current mood of augustdreams at

I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

I'll say one thing for heartbreak, it makes physical pain pretty laughable. I finally passed the kidney stone and although it was crawl-the-walls painful, it was also a strange kind of relief, and for more than one reason. I'm thrilled that I won't have to have the surgery for one thing. For another thing, it gave me physical pain to distract me. I'll take that over emotional pain anyday. Don't get me wrong. It hurt like a mofo. To the point where I'm seriously rethinking my views on natural childbirth. When I get ready to pass an actual human being through one of my bodily orifices, I want the drugs, baby. However, I can offer this rather dubious comfort to anyone who finds themselves dealing with a stone of their own: It does not hurt worse than Endometriosis.

Physical pain I can handle. It has an obvious cause, and I can soothe it with some antibiotic ointment and a bandage. I can look at it and see it healing. If I had a broken leg, I'd know that in X amount of days I'd get a walking cast. Then X more days and I'd be up and walking around again. There's no such comfort or timetable for a broken heart. I have no idea when this will stop hurting. I do think I'm slowly healing, but I want some solid proof. You know? I want someone to tell me "Okay, on THIS day you're going to be able to think about the time you spent with him and it won't make you cry." Heh. Don't want much, do I?

I had a serious email conversation with him (costs too much $$$ to have long talks during peak hours) and I know exactly where I stand now. I know for certain that he wasn't just saying he wanted to hold onto our friendship to keep from causing me further pain. And I'm glad for that.

But what the fuck is wrong with me that I was actually offering him comfort and advice about dealing with wanting to try and fix his broken marriage? It wouldn't be exaggerating at all to say that his family hates his ex. But he's the only one who has to live his life, and he needs to do what makes him happy. I told him that, and also that I'll always be behind him, 100%. Because that's how it is with my friends. You guys know that, right? You can count on me, I got your back. But should I have told him those things? That can't be healthy. Can it? But he's my friend and I love him. I want him to be happy. If he can't be happy with me, then I want him to find that happiness with someone else.

My thoughts and emotions, are all over the place. I'd give anything to step off this roller coaster, but I can't. I'm strapped in and all I can do now is hang on tight until the ride is over.

Like everything painful, there are a few lessons I'm taking away from this. The biggest one is that if I meet another guy who's legally separated and divorced in every way except those final signatures on the papers, I'm going to tell him to call me when the divorce is final. I'm no masochist, and I don't ever want to have my heart torn up this way again. There's no guarantee that the next person I fall in love with won't tear it up in a whole new way, but I think no matter what people say about "Oh, we haven't signed the papers yet because it's expensive." the bottom line is that if you truly want to end it with someone, you'll find a way to afford the divorce. If you don't, then maybe you're holding on for reasons that aren't financial. I'm not saying that's true of everyone going through the process. I've never been married so I'm far from an expert on the subject. But I am going to take a not-quite-final divorce as a giant, flashing warning sign from here on out.

As my favorite song goes, I'm still standing. And that's not because I'm oh-so-tough, it's because there's no alternative. If there was, I'd take it. Even if it was cowardly and wrong. I'd jump at the chance to stop hurting so much. I sure wish crying helped. I cry every night. It doesn't ease the pain, it just exhausts me and I fall asleep. But that won't last forever. I at least have past experience to remind me that it won't always hurt this much. For months after the rape, I thought the fear, sadness and despair would literally kill me. And it didn't. I was sure that I'd never trust anyone again, never feel safe in anyone's arms. Never want someone to even hold my hand. And look where that thorny path led me. It's one of the reasons I started keeping this diary. And if I hadn't, I wouldn't have met my beautiful LDG, my Mollybean, my Big Sis, my Pirate,, my Ghosti one, my playmate,, my Lauralood, or my harem-keeper. (heh!) The list goes on. Hell, I might not have even moved to Florida. The darkest, most difficult paths always lead us to the very best things. That has always proven true in my life, and I'll always remain firm in that belief. It's true for you too, I promise. No matter how much it feels like you'll never see the light again, trust me that you will. And in the meantime, reach out and let someone hold your hand and help you through the darkness. Mine is always here if you need it.

In other news, I've got two more job interviews lined up for Monday. My current goals are:

1. Secure full-time job and quit per diem jobs that give me very little pay, zero job security and not enough hours.

2. Move into the apartment in January

3. Take EMT class when it's offered in March.

I love patient care and I want to be more hands-on but I'm not going to go throw myself back into the fascist nightmare that is nursing school. I don't want all the anatomy classes I've taken to go to waste. I've been covered in arterial blood, performed CPR and once had to clean brains off my shoes. Safe to say I'm pretty damn unflappable in a medical emergency. And the more panicked and crazed things around me get, the more calm and focussed I become. So I think maybe I'd make a good EMT. And with the CFS in remission, I have the stamina to do the kind of work that I love.

Have a good night and thanks for reading.

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