27 March 2006

Don't try this at home...

I'm so damn

Okay. So I live in Florida. It's hot here. Since it's not socially acceptable for me to be naked all the time (dammit) I compromise by wearing shorts and t-shirts all year round. Unfortunately, that means shaving my legs at least three times a week. Add to that my proclivity for enjoying my nether regions being mostly silky smooth and you have a lot of time spent and a lot of blood spilled. Because I have all the natural grace of a drunken Wombat, Me + A razor + The shower = Cursing, Bactine and smooth skin more or less where I want it. It is not a perfect system.

I saw what I thought was the answer to my problem on sale at Walgreens. In the form of a box bearing the logo Sally Hansen All-Over Body Wax Hair Removal Kit. For a mere $9.99, the box claimed, I won't have to shave for EIGHT WEEKS. The product promises to rip unwanted hair out by the roots. How can you go wrong?

Upon opening the package, I was happy to see a cheerful blue jar of Microwavable wax, a couple dozen things that look like oversized tongue depressors, roughly 40 or so pieces of tough paper and a little bottle of blue oil to soothe and moisturize my skin once I've finished the process.

I nuked the wax, spread a towel on my bedroom floor and put on some good music. May as well be comfortable while ripping my hair out by its roots. I dipped the little wooden stick into the wax and spread on a thin layer according to the directions. We all know the next step. And it hurt like hell. But hey, eight weeks without shaving!

It was only upon second glance that I noticed quite a few hairs had not been ripped out by the roots. Rather, they stood their ground, tiny rebels in a waxy war. There was also quite a bit of wax that remained stubbornly stuck to me. I pressed the paper down again, smoothed it down hard in the direction of hair growth. Then gave it a mighty tug in the opposite direction to peel it off. I now have an area about six inches long and three inches wide that is bright red, sore and still covered in way more wax than I remember using in the first place.

Deciding to come back to that spot later, I move on. More of the same. Now the wax has invaded my hands. It is stuck to my fingers and sneers at my attempts to peel it off in the manner of the Elmer's Glue we all used for holiday projects back in grade school. Annoyed, I wash my hands. Lots of soap. Hot water. Scrub brush. No luck. This stuff is worse than crazy glue. The wax that had adhered to my leg is now congealing. I wash my hands again. More soap. Hotter water. Harder scrubbing NOTHING.

In the end, it took about twenty minutes in the shower to pry this stuff from my flesh. Altogether, my attempt at home waxing took about an hour and a half. What do I have to show for it? A patch of raw, red skin on my left leg that looks as if I've contracted some horrible rash. Hair too short to wax everywhere else because I shaved it off with my razor while I was in the shower, out of pure frustration.

I plan to utilize rubber gloves and some sort of alcoholic beverage when I make a second attempt. For now, my trusty disposable razor's looking pretty damn good.

Have a good night and thanks for reading.

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