15 June 2008

Happiness and Heartache

I'm so damn The current mood of augustdreams at www.imood.com

Okay. So the once-every-3-to-5 months updating schedule blows the goat, I know. And I'm sorry. I still love this place and Augustdreams is still truly far too much a part of my heart and soul to even consider giving up on this journal. So for whomever out there is still reading, thank you and please don't give up on me.

Lots of things, both good and bad, have kept me from writing on any kind of regular basis recently. The good things are having full-time work with great benefits that I really enjoy and quite a few amazing people who share my life and that I play hard with every chance we get. Just spent the weekend celebrating an anniversary with two of my closest friends/playmates. Did the Disney parks, a hotel suite with a hot tub and much fun and debauchery was had by all. It was a wonderful time and healed my heart a lot (the reasons why it needs healing are coming...). So life is good! I'm pretty much work, work, work and play, play, play! But that doesn't seem to leave much time for write, write, write. Which frustrates the hell out of me because writing remains one of my ruling passions. So from here on out I am going to make time for writing here at least once a week.

The bad things that have kept me from writing are that a good friend of mine is seriously ill and we'll know within the next few days if they're going to call her terminal. I'm absolutely broken. Nothing has hurt this much since I lost Aphrodite. Emotionally, I feel like I'm bleeding out. There's nothing I can do and I HATE when I can't make things better for the people I love. And I feel guilty even writing about how much I'm hurting because I know what she's going through is unfathomably worse.

The other bad thing is that one of my very long term relationships has been forced to change from a sex and play relationship to a close but non-sexual friendship. It's enough like a break-up that it broke my heart. But at the same time it's NOT a break-up in the usual sense of such things. We haven't lost the friendship. If anything, the friendship is even closer. But I seem to be wired to want to share physical as well as emotional closeness with all the special people in my life. So I'm an emotional train wreck over the whole thing. But when I'm with him I'm hiding how much it's hurting me. And dudes... trust me... that will NOT end well! I'm far too honest to hide an emotion very well for very long. I'm just hoping I can ride it out and that by the time it does all come flooding out of me it will have diminished in intensity.

Whew. Hell of an update, eh? Drop me a hello in my comments if you're out there. :::crickets chirp::: I think this place is more than just an online diary for me, it's one of my safe havens. It's familiar, filled with people I trust whether we've met in person or not, and kind of a well-worn security blanket. If that makes sense anywhere except inside my head?

Have a good night all and thanks for reading.

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