Express lane to Hell

I'm so damn The current mood of augustdreams at www.imood.com

What is wrong with people who go to an express lane and don't even glance at their wallet and/or purse until the cashier has their order bagged? Is it really still a shock to them? Are they honestly surprised to discover that we are no longer a society of traders? You cannot pay for your Cheescake, make-up and paintbrush with a handful of nuts and the dried skin of a Skunk.

I'm standing in line at the express lane (with a sign which clearly states CASH ONLY) behind some brainiac who is just now digging through her gigantic purse. I've got Extra strength Tylenol, a Jumbone (for Aph), Cepacol throat spray and MAD Magazine. I've got cramps and I'm bleeding. I've *ALSO* got yet another case of strep throat/ear infection.

Jo-Jo the Wonder Idiot now produces a credit card to pay for her purchases, which come to a little under eight bucks. Her card is declined. She laughs long and loud about that and tries another credit card. This process is repeated SEVEN times. Yep, you read that right. All seven of this woman's credit cards are declined. Does she step aside so the rest of us poor, doomed shoppers can pay for our stuff and leave? Oh, hell no! We glance around at the other lanes. All are filled with families who have bought the week's groceries. There is only one express lane open.

The cashier smiles politely at the woman, then looks nervously over at the ever increasing line of customers. Florida's answer to Ivana Trump writes a check. Her check is declined. Have I mentioned that she still thinks all of this is hilarious? She's braying out laughter like a Donkey on crack. And speaking of crack - she's also wearing short shorts which offer me an unwelcome view of her butt cheeks hanging out and a few stray pubic hairs. Thanks for that. I may never have sex again.

She continues standing there, staring expectantly at the cashier as if she expects that at any moment the Financial Gods will descend from on high to offer her a line of Winn Dixie credit.

Meanwhile, I can feel that I've bled right through my Super Absorbency Plus tampon, my throat and ears are throbbing, and all I want is to go home, numb my aching throat, and read "Spy Vs. Spy" while eating Fig Newtons in bed. I could stand it no longer. I simply had to speak! "Excuse me. Other people are in line here." For a moment, there was only silence. I had stepped outside the boundaries of grocery store etiquette, and I was alone. In the distance, a Coyote howled. (Okay, maybe not. But some little kid was howling because mom wouldn't let him push the shopping cart) Then... I heard it. The sweet sound of my fellow shoppers murmuring their agreement. This soon broke way into various positive exclamations such as "yeah!" and "Really." and something that sounded like "Skank" which was probably a bit uncalled for, but nonetheless! Thank you, good people of the express lane at Winn Dixie. All for One and One for All!

And now I must get in the express line to the land of Nod. Have a good night, and thanks for reading.

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