October 13, 2004

Exorcism in Ten Easy Steps

I'm so damn The current mood of augustdreams at www.imood.com

Warning: Today's entry contains subject matter which may be inappropriate for young demons. Parental guidance is advised.

How to perform an Exorcism
in ten easy steps

1. Gather necessary supplies. Crosses. Salt (represents purity). Red wine (represents blood of Jesus).

2. Perform exorcism in an area of the home where there has been the strongest connection between the demon and the victim. (The book suggests the bedroom and I'm not touchin' that with a ten foot pole!)

3. Give the victim a cross to hold (Um... having seen The Exorcist I'm not sure this is such a good idea...) and the bones of a saint if you happen to have some handy. (I won't ask how or where you got them.)

4. Try and find out the identity of the demon. This is very important. (Don't listen if the demon claims to be Carrot Top or Tina Yothers. Demons think that sort of thing is hilarious. If you laugh, you'll only encourage them.)

5. Recite as many biblical scriptures and say as many prayers as you know. (Anything you learned from a Rugrats holiday special doesn't count!)

6. Beware! When the demon finally gives in, be prepared for foul language and bad smells. The demon will abuse the victim, exorcist and anyone else unlucky enough to be in the room, usually using the victim's voice. (At this point, I'd suggest the victim take advantage of this one-time opportunity to tell any disliked family members exactly what they think. Later on, you can just blame it on the demon.).

7. Silence the demon's voice in order to continue. (The book doesn't say how to do this. I'm guessing maybe duct tape?)

8. As the demon's voice dies out, you may feel a spiritual and physical presense. The demon has collided with the "Will of the Kingom" and is now in direct conflict with the exorcist.

9. The demon will now be looking for somewhere to go. It certainly doesn't want to go home to hell (That place is a dump!) You may want to be sure in advance that your exorcist isn't an evil person - if so, the demon may simply jump across to him or her!

10. As the demon leaves, it will shout out the secret sins of all present. (Oh, crap! Remind me never to bear witness to an exorcist. The whole world doesn't need to find out about the time I put guinea pig poop in my ex-boss's coffee.)

Have a good night, sleep tight, don't let the demons bite. And thank you for reading.

note: Need a laugh? Go check out Spamusement. I guarantee you won't be disappointed.

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