December 24, 2003

Christmas Thoughts

I'm so damn

Every year, when we decorate the tree, I come across an ornament that we inherited from my great grandma. It's a rather disturbing little Panda Bear. A tiny, black and white body with arms out at 90 degree angles and legs dangling. Perched atop said body is a comparatively enormous head, complete with psychotic expression. I used to have fucking nightmares about that thing. (Can't sleep... Panda will eat me. Can't sleep... Panda will eat me.) When I've got a digital camera I'll take a picture of it to share with you guys. (Why should I be the only one to suffer? Heh.) It looks like something from the fertile mind of Tim Burton. What do spooky Pandas have to do with Christmas anyhow?

Still, writing about it reminds me of decorating my grandma's tree for her. In the 3 years after she'd had her stroke, I'd always go over and decorate her tree. I don't think I'll ever forget the scent of the pine tree, those cardboard boxes I'd get out of the closet, so old that the carboard felt soft as a whisper. Plugging in the lights and setting each ornament carefully. Some of them were decorations my mom made when she was small. Others were of a type you no longer see in stores - beautiful, hand-sewn silk drums, tiny angels with hair of yellow yarn, threadbare camels and clay snowmen.

I think the more Christmasas you've had, the more the holiday means to you because not only can you enjoy it for itself, but each year brings back memories of all the years before. There are times when I miss the excitement and wonder of being small at Christmas, waiting for Santa and listening for sleigh bells. I can't wait to have children one day. I can't wait to put the coolest, most kick-ass toys under the tree, unwrapped, while they're sleeing on Christmas Eve... with tags that say 'Love, Santa'. I'm such a big softy this time of year.

Merry Christmas and thanks for reading.

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