03 November 2006

Upside-Down

I'm so damn

A couple times a year it seems the panic attacks try and gain new ground on me. They never win, but they do successfully flip my world upside down for a while. And all I can do is hold on.

This is old news but sometimes it still feels like a fresh wound so forgive me for that. My attackers were NOT strangers I met on the fly. They weren't casual friends. They were my best friends. So what's to stop the people I'm close to now from doing the same thing? How can that kind of sick cruelty hide inside the skin of someone you loved? And if it can hide that well and for so long, why risk ever trusting anyone!?

Fortunately (or un) even as anti-social and fiercely independent as I can definitely be, I still need my friends. I love and need them, they brighten my world and make this life worth it. And if I'd stopped being willing to trust, I wouldn't have them. But it's so damn hard sometimes. I wish I could force all the fear and anger into some sort of physical form so I could gather it up and throw it away.

All I can do is ride this out. It'll get better, it always does. And I do have someone who truly knows how I feel, and who isn't offended or confused by my need to push the whole world away and just hide for a while. Thank you, my Pirate.

More Halloween Goodness to come because, in the worlds of the immortal Tim Burton, Every day is Halloween! Have a great night and thanks for reading.

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