July 29, 2003

Still standing

I'm so damn

I'm not afraid things won't get better
but it feels like this has gone on forever
you have to cry with your own blue tears
have to laugh with your own good cheer

there's little relief
give us reprieve
imagining the world outside
I'm positive that i'm not blind

but life gives little relief
give us reprieve
and when everyone is cold as ice
I clench my fists and close my eyes
imagining the world outside
but i can see that i'm not blind

-Toad the Wet Sprocket

And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are?

-Goo Goo Dolls

I can't thank you guys enough for all your kind notes, emails and g*book messages. It helps beyond measure to know I've got so many wonderful people in my life who care. I didn't sleep much last night. I just couldn't quiet my mind.

I've been able to heal partly because I've got incredible, supportive and loving friends.*hugging my M.* Partly because I've developed an iron sort of inner strength, and partly because I just refuse to let it drown me. I work and play, I greet my Anteater, I snuggle my fuzzies and laugh. I carry on, because what's the alternative? I can't dig a hole and climb in, even when I wish I could. But all the pain and fear inside me has to go somewhere. I'm not sure exactly where it goes, but I am content to let it remain there. Having this fucker attack me brought it all swirling back up to the suface and it's muddied my waters. They'll take a while to clear, but clear they will.

I've been moved to a new area at work, so that I don't have to be reminded of it every workday. But it was still really hard going back yesterday. I spent the whole day looking over my shoulder, and feeling unsafe. One of my managers told me that they have a strict policy against retaliation, which is supposed to make me feel better. Dude, WTF!? I don't even want to think about this asshole planning some kind of revenge. I'm having enough panic attacks, thank you very much.

I am so butt broke. Thank God Thursday is payday. Aph's been drinking/peeing much more than usual, so I want to bring her in for an appointment. She also needs more Insulin, I need good shoes for work so my feet don't ache like the dickens, and I need some new bodywash and lotion in some amzing scent. Taking a long, hot bath always soothes my soul. Even better, when I turn the A/C up to high, drink hot cocoa and watch "A Garfield Christmas". Oh! And Antis, you're allowed to hug me anytime, I promise. Thank you all again, every single kind word is like a balm for my heart, and is very much appreciated in a way I can't express. Just please know how much you've helped.

Have a good night and thanks for reading.

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