October 30, 2002

Plan Nine - Part III

I'm so damn The current mood of augustdreams at www.imood.com

Did my first per diem shift at the nursing home today. Woo-Hoo! Income! Three cheers for being able to pay my share of the bills!

Now I'm all settled in with some hot cocoa and my Scooby Doo slippers. So let us re-join Mike and the 'bots as I pretend you've all been waiting with baited breath for the continuation of the horror that is my MiSTing of Plan 9...

[JUST OUTSIDE THE ROOM WHERE EROS AND TANNA MET WITH THE RULER]

TANNA: I feared His Excellency would not take our report this well.

EROS: Well, had he been dealing with our own people his reaction would have been completely different. He understands the difficulties of the Earth race.

CROW: Bite me, Eros! At least we realize that anal probes aren't the way to increase your knowledge.

TOM: Yeah! And we don't do naughty things to livestock, either!

MIKE: Well, not outside of the Scottish Highlands, anyhow.

CROW: Say, that reminds me. Why do Scotsmen wear Kilts?

MIKE: We give up, Crow. Why?

CROW: 'Cause Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away!

TANNA: What do you think will be the next obstacle the Earth people will put in our way?

TOM: Will Smith!

EROS: Well, as long as they can think, we'll have our problems. But those whom we're using cannot think. They are the dead. Brought to a simulated life by our electrode guns. You know, it's an interesting thing when you consider...the Earth people who can think are so frightened by those who cannot: the dead. Well, we'd better get started.

MIKE: Listen here, Skippy! We fear the dead because they are driven to devour the flesh and brains of the living! If Night of the Living Dead has taught me anything, it's that the dead are really cranky.

TOM: Yeah. If we just feared those who couldn't think, we'd all be terrified of the cast of Dawson's Creek!

[OUTSIDE THE TRENT HOUSE]

JEFF: I still think you oughta go in town and stay with your mother until I get back.

PAULA: This is our home and nothing's going to take me from it.

CROW: Except maybe Tor Johnson in bad undead makeup.

PAULA: Besides, most men try and keep their wives from going home to Momma.

TOM [singing]: Hey, hey, Paula!

JEFF: That's not the point.

PAULA: That's all the point there's going to be. Now toddle off and fly your flying machine, Darling. But if you see any more flying saucers, will you tell them to pick another house to buzz? Don't worry about me.

JEFF: You're the only thing I do worry about.

CROW: Well, you and my Matchbox car collection...and whether or not Hulk Hogan can handle playing a bad guy, and if I should switch to a stick deodorant...but mostly you.

JEFF: Oh, forget about the flying saucers. They're up there. But there's something in that cemetery, and that's too close for comfort.

PAULA: The saucers are up there. And the cemetery's out there. But I'll be locked up in there. Now off to your wild blue yonder.

ALL [singing]: Flying hiiiigh, into the sun! Here they coooome, zooming to meet our thunder! At 'em, boys...

JEFF: You promise you'll lock the doors immediately?

TOM: Just as soon as I finish watching "Murder, She Wrote".

PAULA: I promise. Besides, I'll be in bed before half an hour is gone, with your pillow beside me.

JEFF: My pillow?

PAULA: Well, I have to have something to keep me company while you're away. Sometimes in the night when it does get a little lonely, I reach over and touch it, then it doesn't seem so lonely anymore.

CROW: And sometimes, I place the pillow between my...

MIKE: Crow!

CROW: Sorry, Mike. I was caught up in the moment.

JEFF: You crazy kid. I do love you, Darlin'. See you Thursday.

TOM: Crazy kid? He calls his wife a mentally unstable young Goat?

PAULA: Bye, Honey.

JEFF: You know I'm not leaving here until you're locked safely inside.

PAULA: All right, Darling. If you're especially nice I may even lock the side door.

JEFF: And be sure you keep the yard lights on.

MIKE: And if a zombie comes to the door, just pretend you're not home.

[INSIDE THE COCKPIT]

ALL: *Snicker*

DANNY: You're mighty silent this trip, Jeff.

JEFF: Huh?

MIKE: Sorry, must've dozed off there. Say, which one of us if flying this thing again?

DANNY: You haven't spoken ten words since takeoff.

JEFF: I guess I'm preoccupied, Danny.

TOM: I'm sorry, Danny. I was lost in your eyes.

DANNY: We've got thirty-three passengers back there that have time to be preoccupied. Flying this flybird doesn't give you that opportunity.

TOM: Fly that flybird, flyboy!

JEFF: I guess you're right, Danny.

DANNY: There's nothing wrong between you and Paula?

CROW: Oh, she wants me to stop putting on her underpants. I told her I only wear them because they're comfortable

JEFF: Oh no, nothing like that. Just that I'm worried, she being there alone and those strange things flying over the house and those incidents in the graveyard the past few days. It's just got me worried.

DANNY: Well, I haven't figured out those crazy skybirds yet but I give you fifty to one odds the police have figured out that cemetery thing by now.

[ENTER EDITH]

EDITH: If you're really that worried, Jeff, why don't you radio in and find out? Mac should be on duty at the field by now. He could call Paula and relay the message to you.

DANNY: Hi, Edith.

EDITH: Hi there, silent boy. I haven't heard a word from this end of the plane since we left the field.

CROW: Gasp! She's discovered his secret identity! He fights crime as...Silent Boy!

MIKE: Able to leap tall buildings without making a sound!

DANNY: Jeff's been giving me and himself a study in silence.

EDITH: You boys are feudin'?

TOM: Now, y'all stop that fussin' and a-feudin', give each other a big kiss and make up!

JEFF: Oh no Edie, nothing like that.

CROW: Just a little lovers spat.

DANNY: Hey Edie, how about you and me balling it up in Albuquerque?

CROW: Whoa-ho-ho! They're gonna...wait. Mike? Balling is a euphamism for sex here, right?

MIKE: Beats me, Crow. Maybe he meant bowling.

TOM: Or maybe bawling. Maybe they're going to have a good cry.

MIKE: I'd cry too if I was in this movie.

EDITH: Albuquerque? Have you read that flight schedule?

DANNY: What about it?

EDITH: We land in Albuquerque at 4 am. That's strictly a nine o'clock town.

TOM: But don't worry, babe. Come seven in the morning, you and me will paint that town red!

DANNY: Well I know a friend that'll help us -- and he's really worried about Paula.

MIKE [singing]: Hey, hey, Paula!

CROW: Will you two stop that!

EDITH: I read about that cemetery business. I tried to get you kids to not buy too near one of those things. We get there soon enough as it is.

TOM: Edith is a cheerful lady.

DANNY: He thought it'd be quiet and peaceful there.

EDITH: No doubt about that. It's quiet alright, like a tomb.

CROW: Hey! They must live near that old man's tomb house!

EDITH: I'm sorry Jeff, that was a bad joke. Say., I almost forgot what I came in here for. How's the coffee situation?

DANNY: Mmmmmm that's for me, Edith.

CROW: Okay, now that was definitely sexual innuendo.

JEFF: That sure wouldn't hurt anything, Edie.

EDITH: Okay, I'll be right back. And say Jeff, make that call to your wife.

DANNY: Huh, not only will she throw water on my Albuquerque plan but now she's repeating herself. How 'bout that Albuquerque ball?

EDITH: I can't resist your charm, Danny.

CROW: Does anybody know what the hell they're talking about?

TOM: And what's with their obsession with balls?

[LIGHTNING, THEN WE GO TO A CEMETERY AND A MAN WALKS OUT...THE FAMOUS BELA LUGOSI FOOTAGE]

CRISWELL: Residents near the cemetery paid little attention to the blast of thunder and the flash of lightning. But from the blast, arose the moving figure of the dead old man.

MIKE: He's pissed because they didn't lay him to rest in his tomb house.

[INSIDE MRS. TRENT'S BEDROOM]

ALL: Oooooh!

[THE PHONE RINGS - PAULA ANSWERS]

MIKE: Such drama! I've got goosebumps!

PAULA: Hello? Who? Mac? Well, hi Mac!

CROW: You know what they call a Big Mac in Europe?

MIKE: Don't start, Crow.

CROW: It's a Royale with Cheese!

MIKE: That's your one allowed Pulp Fiction reference for this movie, Crow.

CROW: And I used it well!

PAULA: Sure I'm all right. I just fell asleep. Tell Jeff I'm all right. Okay, Mac. Thanks for calling. Goodnight.

[SEQUENCE DURING WHICH BELA ENTERS THE TRENT HOUSE AND CHASES PAULA INTO THE GRAVEYARD, WHERE WE SEE CLAY (TOR JOHSNSOM) CLIMB OUT OF HIS GRAVE AND THEN ATTACK PAULA, WITH VAMPIRA AT HIS SIDE. EVENTUALLY, PAULA FINDS HER WAY OUT OF THE GRAVEYARD, AND MUST HAVE GONE THROUGH SOME SORT OF A TIME VORTEX BECAUSE IT IS NOW DAYTIME. A FARMER COMES TO HER AID]

FARMER: Mrs. Trent! Mrs. Trent! What's wrong?

TOM: Isn't it obvious? I'm being chased by Bela Lugosi and Vampira!

[FARMER: PICKS HER UP, PUTS HER IN HIS CAR, STARTS IT UP AND DRIVES AWAY]

MIKE: Oh, no! It's the gas station attendant from The Texan Chainsaw Massacre!

TOM: She's a goner!

CROW: Hit her, Grandpaw, hit her! You can do it!

[INSIDE SMALLER SHIP]

EROS: They'll be at the hatch in a moment. You can open it now, Tanna. Turn off the electrodes quickly. They can't tell us from anyone else.

MIKE: Aaand, that scene contributed what, exactly, to the plot?

TOM: Awww, isn't Mike cute? He's worried about the plot.

[CEMETERY, TWO POLICEMEN]

JAMIE: It's tough to find something when you don't know what you're looking for.

MIKE: You think that's hard, just try looking for another acting job after this disaster of a movie hits theaters!

KELTON: I don't think the Lieutenant knows what we're looking for, either.

JAMIE: Then what're we doing out here? I was off duty an hour ago.

KELTON: Ah don't ask me any questions. I'm just a hardhand, just like you.

TOM: Hardhand? Mike?

MIKE: I don't know, Servo. Maybe he's got really hard hands.

CROW: Eh, it's just hard boiled police talk. You know, how you go bust a perp with your hard hands and then go answer a call for a 10-21 in progress. Yeah.

[DIFFERENT PART OF CEMETERY]

LARRY: What do you suppose that noise was?

LT. HARPER: Whatever it was it's no more strange than the other things happening around this cemetery.

LARRY: Spirits like old farmer Caulder talked about.

TOM: Yeah, Farmer Caulder usually winds up down at the station around 4am just reeking of spirits! Oh, wait. You meant ghosts.

LT. HARPER: Heh. Maybe.

LARRY: The only spirits he saw tonight were those I smelled on his breath.

TOM: Hey! He stole my joke!

LT. HARPER: Well don't forget Mrs. Trent claims to have seen them too. She didn't have anything on her breath.

LARRY: She was hysterical.

LT. HARPER: Well true, she was frightened, and in a state of shock. But, don't forget that torn nightgown and the scratched feet.

LARRY: Yeah I hadn't thought of that. I guess that's why you're a detective lieutenant and I'm still a uniformed cop.

LT. HARPER: Sometimes it's only the breaks, Larry.

MIKE: It doesn't hurt that you keep writing love notes to the Captain, you big suck-up!

[KELTON AND JAMIE COME RUNNING IN]

KELTON: Lieutenant, Lieutenant! Did you hear that?

CROW: Sorry about that. I had the Bean Burrito for lunch.

LARRY: How could we help it?

JAMIE: It sure was strange.

KELTON: Know what it was?

LT. HARPER: No more than you do.

CROW: Glad I'm not the only one around here who can't figure out what the hell's going on.

JAMIE: If it weren't for orders, Lt. Harper, I'd get out of here right now.

CROW: And if it weren't for orders, Jamie, I'd be in a dress right now!

LT. HARPER: It was a saucer.

JAMIE: A flying saucer?

TOM: No. It's a walking saucer, brainiac! Geez.

TO BE CONTINUED...

***

If anyone wants to send me an actual copy of their tape of "Plan 9" I'd be eternally grateful. Of course, I'm assuming someone out there is as big a cinematic masochist as I am and actually owns that monstrosity.Have a wonderful night and thanks for reading!

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