October 26, 2002

Plan Nine - Part I

I'm so damn

In honor of my beloved, spooky holiday, and because I love you guys and will do anything to entertain you... I am going to attempt that which I have never attempted before! (No, not that! Geez, get your mind outta the gutter. Besides, I wouldn't even know where to find a Sheep at this hour.)

I'm gong to attempt the MST3K-ization of an entire movie script! Oooh! Ahhh! And not just any movie script, either. The script to *insert dramatic music here* PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE!

A full, Harvest moon casts light over a Pumpkin patch. In the distance, the Werewolves are howling and the Vampires are creaking open their coffins, ready to begin the night. In the vast blackness of Outer Space, hovering somewhere above Earth, things are looking grim on the Sattelite of Love.

[SATELLITE OF LOVE]

TOM: You think I should collect what!?

CROW: Pogs! C'mon, Servo! They're all the rage! I hear you can even get Alf Pogs!

MIKE: Crow? I think that fad has passed, my friend.

CROW: What? No! Nooooooooo!

MIKE: You're switching to decaf, Crow.

[ASTROBUS]

PEARL: What do you mean, we can't get any "Labyrinth" Fanfic?

BOBO: I did a Google search for it, Lawgiver. The results began...and then the computer exploded! There were just so many...so many and so cheesy! *BOBO begins sobbing*

PEARL: Quit blubberig! Observer! Are there any movies that weren't stolen? Any at all?

OBSERVER: Er...just one. But I really don't think...

PEARL: And it's better for all of us that way. Now, what is it?

OBSERVER *shuddering*: Plan 9 From Outer Space.

PEARL: Perfect! That should keep Nelson and his talking can openers busy for a while.

[SATELLITE OF LOVE]

CROW: Or, how about toilet paper? There are lots of brands! And you could collect different kinds! That scratchy, brown stuff they use in public schools, that weird, scented kind my great-great Aunt used to have...

PEARL: Nelson! Listen up! I've got a Halloween treat for you!

MIKE: Awww, Pearl. You shouldn't have!

CROW: Is it a Charleston Chew? I love those!

PEARL: It's the WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME! *PEARL laughs evil-ly*

TOM: Battlefield Earth???

PEARL: What do you take me for? Some kind of sadist? I mean the other worse movie of all time.

MIKE: Road House?

PEARL: Shut up, you idiots! It's Plan 9 from Outer Space!

ALL: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGH!!!

PEARL: I thought you'd like that. Nelson, any luck figuring out what that cryptic message I found means?

MIKE: Sorry, Pearl. Not yet.

PEARL: Bobo! Keep looking for the rest of that note!

BOBO: Yes, lawgiver.

PEARL: Enjoy your movie! And HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

[LIGHTS FLASH]

MIKE: We've got Movie Sign!

ALL: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

[6...5...4...3...2...1]

Plan 9 from Outer Space

MIKE: I smell sulfur.

CROW: This movie can only be the work of the devil!

TOM: That, or Ed Wood.

CROW: Is there a difference?

CRISWELL: Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.

MIKE: Could he say the word "future" a few more times?

CROW: Technically, we'll be spending the rest of our lives in the present. Because, the future always becomes the present.

MIKE: Wow, Crow. That's pretty deep.

CROW: Thanks.

You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here.

TOM: No, we're here because Pearl's a merciless fiend!

And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day.

CROW: The day Pee-Wee Herman went to the movies in Sarasota, Florida?

We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimonies of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal.

CROW: Poor bastards. They must've watched this movie, too.

The incidents, the places, my friend we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty, let us reward the innocent. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts about grave robbers from outer space?

CROW: Mike? My heart can't stand it, Mike. Can I go now?

MIKE: Nice try.

[TITLE SEQUENCE]

[SMALL FUNERAL, EVERYONE COMPLETELY SILENT]

CRISWELL: All of us on this earth, know that there is a time to live, and that there is a time to die,

TOM: [singing]: A time to laugh, a time to cry...

CROW: [singing]: A time to cast away-ay stones!

MIKE [singing]: A time to gaaather stones togeeeether!

yet death is always a shock to those left behind. It is even more of a shock, when death, the proud brother, comes suddenly without warning. Just at sundown, a small group, gathered in silent prayer around the newly-opened grave of the beloved wife of an elderly man. Sundown of the day, yet also the sundown of the old man's heart, for the shadows of grief clouded his very reason. The funeral over, the saddened group left the graveside. It was when gravediggers started their task that strange things began to take place.

CROW: Eeeeew. Cold Ethel.

MIKE: No, you're thinking of "Orgy of the Dead"

CROW: Oh, yeah.

TOM: I never thought I'd say it...but I wish we were watching that movie instead of this one.

[INSIDE COCKPIT OF AIRPLANE, TWO PILOTS]

DANNY: Fifteen to four. Yup, right on schedule. There's the ol' San Fernando Valley out there now.

CROW: Either that or the Florida keys. Somebody get the map!

JEFF: You better radio in for landing instructions, Danny.

TOM: You mean he doesn't know how to land the plane!?!

DANNY: Burbank Tower, this is American Flight 812, over.

CROW [singing]: Ground control to Major Tom...

Wouldn't surprise me any if he's asleep this time of the morning.

TOM: The tower guy sleeps on the job!?!

CROW: No wonder the airlines are losing money!

OPERATOR: American Flight 812, this is Burbank Tower. If I were asleep you'd never get on the ground! Your case maybe you'd be up there for good. Over.

TOM: That's telling 'em!

DANNY: You got me that time, Mac. This is American Flight 812 requesting -

MIKE: Some more of those little packages of peanuts.

[COCKPIT SHAKES, PILOTS LOOK OUT WINDOW TO SEE A FLYING SAUCER]

OPERATOR: Burbank Tower to American Flight 812, over. Burbank Tower to American Flight 812, over.

DANNY: Holy mackeral!

OPERATOR: Burbank Tower to American Flight 812, are you in trouble?

CROW: Tower, there's a saucer! And it's flying! I don't see a cup, though...

[ENTER FLIGHT ATTENDANT EDITH]

ALL: EDITH:?

EDITH: Trouble?

DANNY: Take a look for yourself.

EDITH: What in the world...

DANNY: That's nothing from this world.

TOM: Hmmm. Y'know, that line's actually pretty good.

OPERATOR: Burbank Tower to American Flight 812, are you in trouble? Are you in trouble?

DANNY: Mayday, mayday. Stand by, Burbank Tower.

JEFF: Do you suppose the passengers saw it?

CROW: Quick! Call Tommy Lee Jones! Tell him to bring the neuralizer!

EDITH: I doubt it. Most of them are asleep. But it was quite a jolt, Jeff. I'll check.

JEFF: Good. We'll get them ready for landing. Keep it quiet until we get instructions.

EDITH: Right.

DANNY: American Flight 812 reporting to Burbank Tower, over.

[SHOT OF FLYING SAUCER]

TOM: Mike, look! It's a pie pan on a string!

CROW: Now I'm all hungry.

[CEMETERY, TWO GRAVEDIGGERS]

TOM: What happened to the plane?

MIKE: I think that was a cliffhanger, Servo.

GRAVEDIGGER #1: D'you hear anything?

GRAVEDIGGER #1: I thought I did.

GRAVEDIGGER #1: Don't like hearin' noises. 'Specially when there ain't s'posed to be any.

GRAVEDIGGER #1: Yeah, sorta spooky-like.

MIKE: Ruh-Roh, Raggy! A G-g-g-ghost!

GRAVEDIGGER #1: Maybe we're getting' old.

GRAVEDIGGER #1: Whatever it is it's gone now.

GRAVEDIGGER #1: That's the best thing for us too. Gone.

GRAVEDIGGER #1: Yeah, let's go.

MIKE: I'd want to be out of that movie as fast as I could, too.

[THEY BEGIN TO WALK AWAY, ARE GREETED BY VAMPIRA, WHO SOMEHOW MANAGES TO KILL THEM BOTH FROM TEN FEET AWAY]

TOM: Maybe she's a Scanner!

CROW: I told you never to mention that movie! Now, I'm gonna have those exploding head nightmares again.

GRAVEDIGGER #1: & 2 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[EXTERNAL SHOT OF HOUSE, OLD MAN WALKS OUT]

CRISWELL: The grief of his wife's death became greater and greater agony. The home they had so long shared together, became a tomb.

MIKE: He turned his house into a Tomb? Geez, no wonder he's depressed!

The sky to which she had once looked, was now only a covering for her dead body. The ever-beautiful flowers she had planted with her own hand, became nothing more than the lost roses of her cheeks.

CROW: This is beginning to sound like some goth teenager's secret notebook.

Confused by his great loss, the old man left that home, never to return again.

[MAN WALKS OFF-SCREEN AND IS IT HIT BY A CAR]

CROW: Well, at least they can bury him in his very own Tomb House.

[CEMETERY, NIGHTTIME]

CRISWELL: At the funeral of the old man, unknown to his mourners, his dead wife was watching.

CROW: Creeee-py!

WOMAN MOURNER:: First his wife, then he.

MAN MOURNER: Tragic.

WOMAN MOURNER:: Tell me something. Why was his wife buried in the ground, and he sealed in a crypt?

MAN MOURNER: Something to do with family tradition. A superstition of some sort.

MIKE: Yeah, they've always had a fear of winding up in a really bad movie.

WOMAN MOURNER:: Oh.

MAN MOURNER: Well, it's getting' dark. We'd best be on our way.

CRISWELL: Then, as two of his mourners left his final resting place.

[WOMAN DISCOVERS THE BODIES OF THE GRAVEDIGGERS]

WOMAN MOURNER:: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Look!!

TOM: They're wearing white after Labor Day!!! Ahhhhh!

[OUTSIDE OF POLICE STATION, MEN GETTING INTO CAR]

[BACK TO CEMETERY]

CRISWELL: Minutes later, the police, lead by Inspector Daniel Clay, arrived at the scene.

[Ed. Note: CLAY is played by TOR JOHNSON!]

MIKE: Hey, it's Tor Johnson!

CLAY: Who found him?

PATROLMAN LARRY: The man and girl.

CLAY: Medical, uh, examiner been 'round yet?

PATROLMAN LARRY: Just left. The morgue wagon oughta be along most any time.

CLAY: You get their statement?

PATROLMAN LARRY: Yeah, much as we could. They're pretty scared.

CLAY: Finding a mess like this oughta make anyone frightened. Have one of the boys take the guy and the girl back to town. You take charge.

LIEUTENANT HARPER: Okay Inspector. What're you gonna do?

CROW: Put on a nice, lacy little cocktail dress and some heels and...hey! Never you mind what I'm gonna do!

CLAY: Look around a little.

LT. HARPER: Once you get beyond those lights you won't be able to see your hand in front of your face.

CLAY: I will get one of the flashlights from the patrol car.

LT. HARPER: You be careful, Clay.

CLAY: I'm a big boy now, Johnny.

TOM: A very, very big boy.

[CLAY: WALKS THROUGH GRAVEYARD]

[BACK TO CRIME SCENE]

LT. HARPER: Looks like a bobcat tore through them.

PATROLMAN LARRY: Say Lieutenant, d'you get that funny odour?

CROW: You know, that not-so-fresh feeling?

LT. HARPER: How could I miss it?

TOM: Sorry, Lieutenant. I had that Bean Burrito for lunch...

[SIREN]

PATROLMAN LARRY: Oh, that'll be the morgue wagon now.

TO BE CONTINUED...(very soon!)

Have a great, spoooooooky day! :)

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