26 November 2005

Losing Aph

I'm so damn

Note: This is NOT directed at anyone who reads this diary. You've given me nothing but kind words and comfort. This is just a whole lot of anger and stress that I need to vent.

Quoted from: Pet-loss.net

"Only recently have researchers come to realize that a pet may be considered a loved one and a family member, and that the death of a pet may evoke similar and equally intense emotions."

"The length of time grief lasts also varies from person to person, and may be affected by the level of attachment one feels to an individual pet. Depression is one of the steps in the grieving process. Severe depression can makes living seem intolerable, and robs one of the willpower and strength to put forth even the most minimal of efforts."

It is not helpful or comforting right now to be told that I need to move on. Of course I'll move on. Life moves forward, it's the way of the world. In one of those unhappy twists that fate is so fond of, it's the friends farthest away in miles (though not farthest from my heart by any means) who are helping the most. They're just listening. They're not telling me to cheer up, or reminding me that I'm strong. They just listen and let me cry, and promise me that one day it'll be okay. That's all I want. It's all I need.

But most of my local friends seem to be waiting impatiently for me to get back to "normal" and be funny, happy and cheerful again. It hasn't even been a week. Yet they seem to expect me to bounce right back from this. AND. I. CANT!

The last time I spent a day without Aphrodite in my life, I was a freshman in high school. That was over fourteen years ago. I'm only 29. Fourteen years is half my life. I don't know how to live without her. I'm doing the best I can.

Please, please try to understand. When I was 15 years old, I was in and out of the hospital constantly. I hadn't been diagnosed with CFS/FMS yet so we didn't know what was wrong with me. I was a scared, lonely teenager the day Aphrodite and I met. But it was love at first sight. Aph loved me without strings or conditions. She didn't care that I didn't always have the energy to go out and play. She didn't care that I didn't have cool clothes or expensive sneakers.

Aph was there as I grew up. Her love gave me the courage to reach out and make my first real friendships. Aph was there when I joined NERO and made a group of close friends. Aph was there when I went on my first date, and when I got home, it was her that I told about my first kiss. She was there when I graduated high school. She was there when I got my first job, when I was forced to leave nursing school, and when I moved across the country to a new place where I didn't know anyone.

When she got older and developed diabetes, the love and care she needed to stay healthy became my top priority. She got insulin twice a day, every day, for six years. When I couldn't be there, my mom gave Aph her shots. If nobody could be there, she simply went with me. All my friends knew we were a package deal. Love me, love my dog.

When I lost my friend Pat to cancer, Aph was here. When Marc broke my heart, she curled up on my lap to comfort me. And I knew everything would be okay. Because I had my Aph.

So yes, I can pretend to be okay. I can smile and act like I'm not hurting so you won't have to feel uncomfortable while we're together. But I am not okay. I had to make the choice to let my best friend go to a place I can't reach. And right now, it feels like I'm never going to be okay again.

If you only love me when I'm strong, happy and optimistic, then get the fuck out of my life.

I'm sorry you guys had to read that. None of you are the people those harsh words are directed at, but I needed to say them somewhere.

This pain won't last forever. I'll be okay again. I just don't know when. But I take comfort in knowing that my true friends don't love me less for not being strong. They'll lend me their strength as long as I need it, and they'll be there to celebrate when the last of this darkness fades.

Have a good weekend and thanks for reading.

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