06 April 2006

Letting Go

I'm so damn

Why is love so complicated? I'm so in love and happy, and yet the wounds still haven't healed. I'm still in love with someone who hurt me. And it took everything I have inside me to turn him away tonight. I'm still crying. Not because I regret my decision, but because it hurt so much to have those wounds torn open again. I'm sorry, Marc. I truly am. But it's too little, and way too late. Where were you when I would have given a piece of my soul for you to love me? Where were you when you promised to be my friend and then vanished from my life?

Did you really think I'd wait? Do you really think I have so little self-respect that I would allow you to lie to me, hurt me, tear me up with your cruel words and still be here waiting when you realized what you threw away? Maybe I can't fall out of love with who I thought you were, but I won't make your mistakes. I won't throw away the true, deep love of someone that I love so strongly in return for another chance at misery with you.

I don't know if I want to whisper to you how sorry I am that we fell apart, or scream at you to stay the fuck out of my life.

Even when we were good together, you were a threat. You're bent on self-destruction. I knew that from our first moment together, but I loved you too much to admit that I would never be able to save you. Your thoughtless actions drove me to all the wrong kinds of comfort and escape.

You looked me in the eyes after sex and told me it was a mistake. That you'd only feel guilty now. That you only did it because you wanted the physical sensations. What purpose did that serve? Why tell me something so motherfucking hurtful? Maybe the song is right, and you're my favorite mistake. But it was a mistake nonetheless.

If this had come six months ago, I would have rushed back to you. I would have believed anything. Sacrificed anything. Done anything to be back in your arms. But not anymore. Fuck you for the pain you caused and the scars you left on my heart. I've let you go and I'm damn proud of that. If I'd held on, I would have drowned.

It hurt to hear your voice again. It hurt to know you're hurting. Even after all you've done, I want you to find happiness. But until you can be honest with yourself, you'll never be able to give honesty and true love to anyone else. You have to let go of her. Let go of your own pain. If you don't, you'll keep using the love of other people as a bandage. Nobody can save you, Marc. You have to save yourself.

Writing this all out helped more than I can express. Have a good night and thanks for reading.

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