23 November 2005

Aphrodite

I'm so damn

Thank you so much for all of the love, support and kind words on this entry

Last night was the first I've spent without my Aph since I was 15 years old. All I feel right now is the pain of a huge, empty hole in my heart and soul. She was my pet, my companion and my best friend. I feel so lost and alone without her.

I wanted so much to bring her home. I wanted to have the vet put her on diuretics and heart medication. Even though he told me that those things would only delay the inevitable for a short time. But she was gasping for breath and yelping. Aph has never, ever cried before. Even when she had to have an emergency hysterectomy when she got a bad infection. I remember that night I slept on the floor in my sleeping bag with my hand tucked beside her. When I had to go to the bathroom, she tried to follow me and because it hurt her to walk I scooped her up and carried her in, blanket and all. She was hurting, but she never cried. She even wagged her tail.

But yesterday morning, every few minutes she'd yelp after every hard breath she took. I love her, and I couldn't bear to force her to stay alive when she was suffering just to keep my heart from breaking. So I let her go. And I know it was the right thing to do. I know it was the most loving gift I could give her. But none of that helps right now. I'm broken and all I want in the world is to have her back.

I am grateful beyond words for all of you. For everyone in my life who has offered their hand to hold. It helps more than I can say. You are the lights that I can see up ahead. I'm still trapped inside all this sadness. I wish I knew for how long. But I can see your lights and I know I'll find my way there eventually.

I always made sure that every day of Aphrodite's was filled with nothing but love, comfort and happiness. And she always did the same for me. I know we'll be together again. Although as I told my beautiful, wonderful big sister last night, I am pretty pissed off at God right now. I know Aph was an angel wrapped in fuzz and he wanted her back but dammit, I wasn't done! And just because she's up there now, with her vision restored, crunching on endless doggy treats and napping on her back with her fuzzy little belly up, she's still MY Aphrodite. So don't go getting too attached, God. Because when my time comes, she and I have a lot of celebrating to do.

Thank you for reading.

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