2001-06-11

Lesssons From Horror Movies

I'm so damn

THINGS HORROR MOVIES HAVE TAUGHT ME

If you camp out in a village full of cannibals you've been tormenting, eventually said cannibals get all riled up and kick your ass.

Don't ever, ever, ever stick your hand in the garbage disposal to try and figure out why it's now working. Especially not if you're in a horror movie.

If you should happen to kill a warlock who swears to unleash hell on Earth don't just leave him walled up in a cellar or something and take off. You've got to keep tabs on shit like that. Pop in every now and then to make sure the gate hasn't been opened by teenagers or hairy plumbers.

More than one horror movie has claimed that at least one of the myriad entrances to Hell is located in New York City. Well, duh!

It's no wonder zombies are always so pissy. Wandering around with ones brain and/or internal organs exposed probably aches like the dickens in cold weather.

People are always worrying about ancient evils. If you're being stalked by a malevolent force, it really doesn't matter whether it's an ancient evil older than the trees themselves or an evil that was made last week. Either one can quite effectively tear you a new orifice.

When someone is turning into a werewolf, don't just stand there screaming. They always seem to need at least a little time to yell, growl and stare at their hands while they change into paws. Take advantage of that time and haul ass!

If one of your friends starts giggling malevolently and shrieking in Latin, they're possessed. Start running away now and avoid the rush.

Anything you see in a book that appears to be inked in blood probably shouldn't be read at all and definitely shouldn't be read aloud.

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